ba ba bo bo bar

Get a Grip

2009-09-06T18:56:00.003+08:00

I gave up on the crab buffet, because the claws were hard to grip and slipped away.

What if it isn't the grip, but the fit.

Close Open

2008-05-25T20:56:00.000+08:00

Do you sometimes feel like ...
You just wanna close your eyes?

To rest
One's tired eyes.

To shut out
The feeling of being inept, inadequate,
Incredibly deficient.

To hide
From people around.

To pretend
To be somewhere else.

To calm down
And focus.

To clear one's mind
From all the clutter.

To will
Oneself to buck up.

To challenge
Oneself to pick up the pieces.

To get ready

To face the world again
With eyes wide open.

Truth in Colours

2008-04-06T22:13:00.000+08:00

"I like the colour
Of the eyes I was born with
But I love the colour
I can choose."

An advert at a bus-stop,
And I couldn't feel more uncomfortable.

For to me, the eyes are the truth.
Look into them, and you look into the heart, the soul,
The emotions at the very core of one's being,

I thought the eyes can tell no lies.
So if one cheats another on the colour of his eyes,
Truth and honesty and open hearts
Can only be too far away.

Farewell to the Green; Stepping into the Pink

2007-12-05T12:45:00.000+08:00

When I got my Pink card back last Friday, I felt a sense of relief. Finally, I've served out the 2 1/3 years, over a span of nearly 7 years!

But along with this relief were a bout of reluctance and nervousness.

Part of me didn't really want to leave.

I have developed close friendships over the past 2 years, and at the age of 25, I have had my share of farewells and know quite well that friends tend to fade away from our lives as our life pathways inevitably diverge and we all lead different lives. I'll certainly miss the times, good and bad, busy and bored, with everyone. I'll always remember how we met, the conversations we've had, the random things we've done together, the laughter that we've shared, the bitching that we've partaken in together ...

Hope we'll always keep in touch!

I guess, perhaps strangely, I'll miss aspects of the Green life too, especially when the Pink life proves to be unexpectedly challenging.

I'm beginning to think that the uniform's a bl^rdy good idea, especially when I can't find shirts and pants my size. Not that it's a difficult problem to resolve ... my void deck tailor is not too bad, thank goodness, and I'm hoping to tailor more shirts in Saigon tomorrow :p!

I've also decided that I need a proper scent, one that's suitable for work. A scent that would lend me a bit of badly needed gravitas (I don't exactly inspire confidence in people I meet, I feel) but is still frivolous and playful, to reflect the person that I am inside. No need to agonise over fragrances while Green ... not when passing cadets stink of sweat :p.

I'll miss the Green ways of doing things too. Not because of the ... efficiency. But because that's what has become familiar to me. Familiarity may breed contempt, but also comfort. I know who to go to for what. I know the procedures. I know the constraints.

In the Pink world, I know nothing and have to start from scratch. I welcome the challenge, it makes life interesting. But I can't help being nervous about it. Or being paranoid and imagining that I'll be walking into the lions' den!

It's going to be one step at a time. For a lark, maybe an occasional leap or a skip.

I've always been the boy who cries on the first day to school, every year! I can't help but wish for someone to hold my hand.

Anyone? :p

Moments of Magic

2007-11-19T20:59:00.000+08:00

My aunt and I were freezing one early morning last week, when we went to Yu Shan National Park in Taiwan to view the sunrise. We knew it was going to be cold, and wore four layers of clothes each. Still, we shivered madly.

And suddenly, the sun jumped out from behind the mountain peaks in front of us. The beam of sunlight felt so warm and comforting, like a huge hug that made everything ok. A magical moment.

It struck me there and then that ... hey, I do have a passion ... for special moments like this. Moments that are happy, that may be totally crazy, that thrill.

I love it when such moments happen. I treasure memories of them. I record them in my journal and blog (and postcards if I experience these moments while on my travels).

When alone and lonely, I call up past moments - an unexpected and electric kiss at Finsbury Park station; watching glitterdust and sparkling hearts float out of a V day card, covering me and making me laugh in disbelief and happy resignation; my first crunch into a triple choc Ben's cookie; my first sighting of snow drifting from the sky; my first taste of Christine's steamed Billingsgate crab back in 2003; my first sip of Bailey's; the first time I listened to Singlish being spoken on the MRT, after 3 years abroad; a long tight reunion hug at Borders, Tottenham Court Road; my first un-assisted 100 m on a bicycle; finding a pair of jeans which fits perfectly. And I feel warmer.

I look forward to these moments. I try to do random things, so as to increase the propensity of these moments happening. They excite me, and give me meaning to life.

___

While in Greece, my travelmate asked me how I would know if someone is the One. High on retsina, I said that you'll know it from the eyes. In the eyes, you'll see special moments: from the past, the present moment and future moments. I believe that I can only be sure that someone is the One after spending time together. I strongly believe, then and now, that relationships are about co-relishing, co-experiencing and co-anticipating moments.

Post London Musings

2007-10-22T15:31:00.000+08:00

I sense that my recent trip to London will be my last for a long time. The next time I visit where I've regarded as my second home might well be in 2012, during which London hosts the Olympics, or later.

I had a good time in London.

I got to visit old haunts and do things I used to do. I had breakfast at the corridor linking the library and St Clements' Building. I picked up a copy of the WSJ outside the Student Services Centre. I had a coffee seated on the blue sofas at the IOE reception. I sipped at teas at Cafe Nero on Old Compton Street, while looking out for eye candy. I had a pint of cider at Molly Moggs. I gulped down Guinness at Kudos. I had dinner at Misato. I queued at the TKTS at Leicester Square. I nibbled at Ben's Cookies at Covent Garden.

I met up with friends I had made while in England – Jonny, Gege, Gefu, Jon, Alvin, Adrian, Rob, David, Manos, Barry, Gareth, Elaine ... It was lovely catching up, and would have great if I had more time to spend with them.

However, while in London, I felt that I no longer quite belong there. London felt immediately at hand and yet so far. So familiar and yet so distant. I felt that I could navigate London, but not quite as part of London, not quite as a London-er. Just a passer-by. Just another tourist.

Something else became quite apparent to me. My friends in London and in Singapore are moving on. They are getting partners, getting married. They are going places. They are doing well in their careers. They are developing their interests. They are getting gym bods. They have all started or are well into new chapters of their lives.

And so, I guess I must move on too.

Let's see.

I want to look older. I don't want to be ID-ed again for my age. GRR.

I want to consider getting more exercise.

I want to be more open to dating, and find someone to share my life with.

I want to set goals for the next 1, 5 and 10 years. Career goals, academic goals, relationship goals, travel goals, financial goals.

I'm already 25.

Let's hope I achieve something I'm proud of by 35.

:)

881

2007-09-08T14:44:00.000+08:00

Busy; Not so busy

2007-07-22T18:51:00.000+08:00

I remember that some time ago, lyraine suggested that one's blog activity is negatively correlated with the busyness of one's life. As one gets too busy, one won't have much time to update the blog. Or the blog becomes lower on the priority scale thing.

Well, that's one possible reason why my blog has not been very active these days. I've been busy. Busy with work, definitely. Busy doing stuff with a couple of friends. Busy doing stuff with family. Busy resting in bed and repaying my sleep debt.

But I don't think I'm doing anything really. What have I achieved over the past 6 months?

Work-wise, I'm sure I've missed a number of deadlines. However, the big event is coming up, and I'm really really thrilled. Though I didn't make it to STB, I'm still getting my chance to work at a tourist attraction. :p Career-wise, I still have no idea what I'll be doing. No updates. No word. Am beginning to feel abandoned and unwanted.

Socially, I've managed to catch up with some old friends recently. I didn't realise how much I missed them til we got together again. Found out that a couple of them have gotten married. Congrats to them :). Just joined Facebook too and got back in touch with RI and RJC mates, albeit in a rather perfunctory manner.

Romance? The sabbatical is going well, and it looks like celibacy and non-dating til Dec 25 is definitely possible, if that's what I think is best for me. I'm beginning to feel a tad lonely though. Hug deprivation syndrome, that's what I call it. :p Need to reconsider the sabbatical. I'm getting too good at protecting my heart. Tho I did get stabbed in the heart unintentionally recently. But that's nothing to do with romance. Hmm. Just watched Devil Wears Prada, and got a bit envious when I saw Andy hug the bf. Argh. I'm hug deprived.

Spiritually? I've never been one to seek religion. I guess given that I'm still thinking too much, I can't be really at ease spiritually. Hor?

I need to get busy with the right stuff. If only to feel needed. To feel enriched.

Find something worthwhile to do.

For tonight, hmm, maybe a good book?

The Inheritance of Loss awaits. :p

Over the Weekend

2007-07-16T12:03:00.000+08:00

Doodles on a Thursday morning ...

2007-06-28T20:41:00.000+08:00

Higher Education Academic Salaries in the UK

2007-06-23T10:57:00.000+08:00

Higher Education Academic Salaries in the UK
Mark Collins, Anna Vignoles, James Walker , May 2007
Paper No' CEEDP0075

The recent industrial action taken by the Association of University Teachers (AUT has given the issue of academic pay high prominence in the UK press. There appears to be a remarkable consensus that higher education academic salaries are too low, relative to other groups of workers in the UK, and that this is leading to an academic ‘brain drain’. There is concern that this in turn will result in lower quality higher education, as universities fail to attract the ‘brightest and the best’. To rise above the rhetoric, there is a pressing need for robust evidence on relative academic salaries. In this paper, we compare the salaries of Higher Education teaching professionals in the United Kingdom with those of other comparable professionals. We offer evidence on relative salaries in HE academia over the last decade or so and we compare academic salaries to a range of different comparator groups, including some specific occupational groupings that one might view as more similar, in terms of unobserved characteristics, to academics. We then consider the extent to which the gap between the earnings of HE academics and that of other occupations is attributable to differences in the characteristics of academics, for example the fact that they are more highly educated on average, or to differences in the price paid for a given set of characteristics. We conclude that HE teaching professionals earn somewhat lower earnings than most public sector graduates and do particularly poorly compared to most other comparable professionals; they also work longer hours than most. In particular, academic earnings compare poorly to those in the legal professions, consultants physicians and dental practitioners (across both the public and private sectors). On the other hand, there are groups of public sector workers that do worse than HE academics, and in particular FE academics earn significantly less.

This is by a classmate in uni. Very happy that he's gotten his work published. :)

Visit WWII Museums in Singapore

2007-06-17T11:50:00.000+08:00

In conjunction with the SAF Day 2007 celebrations, there's free admission for all SAF NSF, NSman & Regular personnel to 2 historical World War II landmarks here, namely Reflections at Bukit Chandu and Memories at Old Ford Factory.

Just present your SAF 11B to get in for free from 30 Jun till 2 Jul 2007. :p

Yales economics; inflation as grease

2007-06-10T13:21:00.000+08:00

... a little inflation may be necessary to grease the wheels of the labor market and enable efficiency enhancing changes in relative pay to occur without requiring nominal wage cuts by workers. The attempt to push inflation too low could permanently raise unemployment and reduce the scope for monetary policy.

Looks like the 'grease' analogy is a Tobin / Yale thing.

Wonder whether there's an LSE paradigm in anything.

Hmm.

:)

Beautiful Thing; Mama Cass

2007-06-10T12:00:00.000+08:00

Kudos, Julie Paid

2007-06-09T19:18:00.000+08:00

Makes me wonder

2007-06-09T10:14:00.000+08:00

I love those eyebrows.

& This Love is prolly one of my fav music videos of all time. So incredibly hot. Saw this while in Rome, & headed to HMV to get the CD the moment I got back to London. :p

Fab version of This Love by Natasha Bedingfield.

Hopefully ...

2007-05-29T20:52:00.000+08:00

This map shows the places I’ve been to.

This map shows the places I wanna go to over the next five years.

So, by the time I’m 30, I would have covered this much of the world.

Hopefully ... :p

Happy Endings: Asian Boys Vol. 3

2007-05-27T13:30:00.000+08:00

HAPPY ENDINGS: ASIAN BOYS VOL. 3
Opens 11 July 2007
Drama Centre Theatre @ National Library, Level 3

In this much anticipated final instalment of the Asian Boys Trilogy, Alfian Sa’at adapts Johann S Lee’s Peculiar Chris, Singapore’s first gay novel, for the stage.

1992. In their final year at Junior College, Christopher Han and his best friends – Sylvia, Kenneth and Nicholas, discover the ecstasy and pain of falling in love. Later, while serving his National Service, Chris has a relationship with his army officer, Samuel, before leaving for London for further studies.

2007. After 15 years abroad, Chris returns to a Singapore that he barely recognises. The city has become a veritable gay wonderland, while repressive attitudes remain as entrenched as ever. Sylvia has become part of the leading vanguard for change. Kenneth has renounced his past, refashioning himself as a voice for conservatism. And Nicholas is partying like there’s no tomorrow.

Haunted by the ghosts of the past, and yet enchanted by the spectres of the present, Chris is torn between nostalgia for a more innocent decade, and hope for a wiser future. Timely, urgent and moving, Happy Endings asks what it means for a society to come of age.

Tickets through Sistic.

I've moved ...

2007-05-27T12:56:00.000+08:00

I'm now at another avenue in Clementi. :p

Some day my prince will come

2007-05-06T21:05:00.000+08:00

I was browsing at the library today when I spotted a JC classmate and an acquaintance I had gone to London with.

Not quite in a sociable mood, I quickly went a few shelves away and buried my face in a sci-fi hardcover book.

They’re now a couple, I think.

I could hear them exchange sweet and tender words. I could see them leaning on each other. I saw them later as well at sistic as well, maybe getting Phantom tickets for a romantic evening?

A little cocoon of happy coupledom? :)

I guess I’m a big fan of couples.

I like them seeing them in their little cocoons of coupledom.

Holding hands while crossing Neil Road. Crisscrossing their feet and sharing a tub of popcorn at Odeon Tottenham Court Road. Possibly sipping the soup from the same Nanxiang dumpling. Perusing books at Kino together. Sharing crepes at Café Ar-Men. Peddling in-sync on one of those bikes for two. Posing for photos at Oia, soaking in the beautiful sunset rays.

Maybe it’s because I look forward to being in one of these cocoons myself.

I know there’ll be fights. Borne perhaps out of both passion and dispassion.

But life’s not quite complete without the sugar and the spice or the sourness and the bitterness (or the occasional indigestion).

Some day my prince will come
Some day we'll meet again
And away to his castle we'll go
To be happy forever I know

Some day when spring is here
We'll find our love anew
And the birds will sing
And wedding bells will ring
Some day when my dreams come true

I had my first taste of freshly made caramel this weekend. There was this sudden and surprising high, that still lingers on my tastebuds. (I want more more more!!!!!)

Firmly believe that love comes when one least expects it. And when it comes, I'm sure it'll be like this first taste of freshly made caramel. MMMMMMMMH!! :p

Eternal summer

2007-04-29T10:29:00.000+08:00

Can someone please tell me why this was cut? Quite tame what ... ...

Here's the trailer and the 明白 MV. :)

It's on at cinemas right now. Go, go, go. :)

History Boys

2007-04-29T10:00:00.000+08:00

Dakin: The more you read though, the more you'll see that literature is actually about losers.
Scripps: No.
Dakin: It's consolation. All literature is consolation.

_____

Hector: Pass the parcel. That's sometimes all you can do. Take it, feel it and pass it on. Not for me, not for you, but for someone, somewhere, one day. Pass it on, boys. That's the game I want you to learn. Pass it on.

_____

Mrs. Lintott: History is a commentary on the various and continuing incapabilities of men. What is history? History is women following behind with the bucket.

...

Mrs. Lintott: Can you, for a moment, imagine how dispiriting it is to teach five centuries of masculine ineptitude?

_____

Tom Irwin: But this is History. Distance yourselves. Our perspective on the past alters. Looking back, immediately in front of us is dead ground. We don't see it, and because we don't see it this means that there is no period so remote as the recent past. And one of the historian's jobs is to anticipate what our perspective of that period will be... even on the Holocaust.

_____

Hector: The best moments in reading are when you come across something - a thought, a feeling, a way of looking at things - which you had thought special and particular to you. And now, here it is, set down by someone else, a person you have never met, someone even who is long dead. And it is as if a hand has come out, and taken yours.

_____

Mrs. Lintott: And you, Rudge? How do you define history?
Rudge: Can I speak freely without being hit?
Mrs. Lintott: You have my protection.
Rudge: How do I define history? Well it's just one fucking thing after another, isn't it?

_____

[Posner has confessed to Irwin that he thinks he is homosexual and in love with Dakin]
Posner: Do you ever look at your life?
Tom Irwin: I thought everybody did.
Posner: I'm a Jew... I'm small... I'm homosexual... and I live in Sheffield.
[pause]
Posner: I'm fucked.

Gaaa gaaaa Goooo goooo :p

2007-04-10T19:56:00.000+08:00

Wine lessons

2007-04-08T19:32:00.000+08:00

Apparently, consumers in the UK have been conned by the various supermarkets' wine deals.

One wine importer has said: "I often find myself touting a £7.99 wine that will actually sell mainly at £3.99. The idea is that people will believe it might really be worth something in between those two prices - perhaps £5.99. It's not. It's worth £3.99 and not a penny more." In other words, anyone who pays full price for it is being very badly ripped off.

Come on. Are you really surprised?

I loved the wine deals. I may have been duped into picking particular wines each week because of the huge "SALE!" labels. But along the way, I've got to try many different wines from different countries.

I've learnt never ever to have another Chenin Blanc, from anywhere in the world. I just hate it - too acidic.

I know I prefer European gewurztraminers, because of their stronger lychee scents and thicker texture. Tho the best I've tried is a 1997(I think) Canepa from Chile. Anyone knows where I can find the 1998 Canepa in Singapore?

Then the Cabernets. White or red, I avoid them. Just don't like, don't know why.

And somehow, the Tesco finest champagne is much better than the Moet et Chandon or the Piper Heidsieck. Indeed value for money.

Looking forward to visit London, and having another taste of my all-time favourites.

White: Hungarian Tokaj.

Red: Nama wine from Santo Winery.

Or is anyone going to Hungary or Santorini any time soon? :P

Update

2007-04-08T14:08:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, I adjusted my posture, like I do every 5 seconds or so while in front of the computer, and leaned sidewides, wanting to rest my left elbow on the desk next to the computer table. And there was nothing to rest on.

An hour later, on the way to the MRT station, I saw the desk being carried away by three uncles.

We're moving house, and we recognise that we need to dispossess ourselves of some items. The breadmaker has gone; we haven't used it for years. The desk left us last evening; there's no space for it in the new place. Plates, cups, glasses, pots, etc, were given to the garang guni man; there's only two of us in the house and we don't exactly need so many of them.

There's been quite a lot of packing. I found my tutors' final comments on my ivory tower thesis. And realised that I don't know where my official degree certificate is. Did I even receive it? Hmmm. My mum's report card from primary school emerged - she was apparently 'very talkative', haha.

And my baby photos!!! I will scan them in and post a couple of them here when I get the time. There's this glimmer of mischief in my eyes. Apparently I was quite the little devil. The cannot-sit-still type. Somehow, I'm chuckling in most of the pictures. Wonder whether I was an easily tickled baby. :p

Countless letters and postcards too. One day can compile a travel diary from all the postcards I've sent myself from all over (including the CBD :p). Cards from friends - some of whom were best of friends, and somehow we've drifted apart, and I miss them loads. Cards from people I've met once or twice, and I'm touched by their heartfelt writing, and I wanna get in touch again but I don't know how.

I wonder whether one day, this blog will be like one of my dusty shelves, and I forget what's there. Until one day, there's some need to do some urgent spring cleaning again. Hmmm.

Holiday in Aussieland ...

2007-03-20T21:03:00.000+08:00

With the right someone ...

2007-02-11T21:37:00.000+08:00

A few years ago, while on holiday on the beautiful isle of Santorini, I got more than a bit tipsy on retsina.

Then, I was asked ... how would I know whether someone is the the right person for me.

I said something to the effect of ... "Look into the eyes; you'll see your past, present and future in the eyes." You'll relish your past together; you'll want to maximise your present together; you know that that your future is together.
_____

Valentine's Day is coming up.
_____

I look forward to sweet little everyday things.

Tight hugs, light kisses & gentle caresses, for no reason but just because.

Passing each other tissue while watching a touching movie. Or lending each other sleeves.

Cutting each other's nails. Cleaning each other's ears. Trimming each other's hair. Scrubbing each other's backs.

Walks in the park. Hand in hand. Or perhaps, arms over shoulders. Relaxed and in step.

Slouched on the sofa, with tea and something to read. Perhaps on opposite sides, feet crossing, ankles touching. Perhaps, one resting on the other's shoulder, taking turns to read out loud.

Dancing to a music that only the both of us are listening to.

_____

I don't really need someone on Feb 14th's.

But with the right person, I'm sure everyday can, should and will be V day.

:p

25.

2007-01-21T22:22:00.000+08:00

A few days ago, a friend gave me a few photographs taken in 2001/2002.

Taken at the LSE; taken at Hare & Tortoise.

I was wearing this obiang green windbreaker.

I was even more of a stickman; yes, I've put on some weight over the past few years.

I was this kid.

Maybe a bit older than other kids my age, but still a kid, nonetheless.

And definitely still a teenager.

18 ... Gosh, that seems so long ago...

I was a stickman.

I'm still scrawny.

I've discovered that I can wear sizes meant for ladies / kids.

I have less zits.

I care more about having zits now.

I've discovered Clean and Clear.

I hug and kiss more.

I laugh less.

I'm glad that my face still reflects how I feel; that it's not a mask.

I know more people.

I don't know many people much more.

I've learnt a little bit from each relationship I've gained and lost.

I lost someone dear then.

I've lost someone dear recently.

I'm alone but not lonely.

I was blue.

Now I'm more of a red person.

The horoscopes say that I should consider earth colours / green.

I used to wear Disney shirts. In primary colours.

Now I'm experimenting with collared shirts. In pastels.

Not long more & I'll no longer be wearing uniforms.

Then, I look a teen.

Now, some people think I'm still a teen.

Well, I guess I'll look too young when I eventually pass from this world.

I felt old then.

I am definitely older now.

Smarter, wiser. Hopefully.

In the past 7 years, I've done a few things I wouldn't, at 19, expect myself to do.

I have no idea where I'll be in 7 more years.

7, of famine or of plenty

25.

No longer a teenager; No more in early 20s.

Mid-20s uncle.

:p

What you do in your free time ...

2007-01-13T09:12:00.000+08:00

If someone asks you what you do in your free time, what would you say?

"I hang out with friends."?

"I have no free time."?

Or maybe some pre-fabricated answer?

Would you need to think about what to say?

I do.

Hmm.

But it's prolly gonna be "I don't have much free time lor."

:p

What Wei Wants

2006-12-10T14:43:00.000+08:00

Yo, I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want

I don't need to be wanted.

I want to be wanted.

If I am with someone, I want it to be because we wanted and want each other, not because we ended up being together.

I don't really understand myself, and I don't expect others to understand me.

I am one person and I am many persons - friendly and cold, affectionate and clinical, shy and confident, silly and intellectual, chirpy and broody, mature and naive, open and closed, young and old, corny and serious, whole and incomplete, fresh and numb, pessimistic and hopeful, observant and 'blur'.

I am a loner and I like people.

I know what I am doing and I am lost.

I want the past back and I look forward to the future.

I am simple and complex.

I want to want myself as the one person and as many persons.

I want to be wanted as the one person and as many persons.

I had that once.

And if fate permits, some day, maybe I'll have what I want again.

Big Ben

2006-11-19T15:55:00.000+08:00

Found this picture by Salarios on Flickr, it's absolutely fab!

More of his pix here.

Where am I going?

2006-11-19T13:56:00.000+08:00

Where should I go?

Short-term Life Plans

2006-11-19T11:01:00.000+08:00

Staying awake for 55 hours straight was surprisingly not that difficult. And I got to see lots of stars (35!!!) in the sky. And think about stuff that I might wanna do.

So, I have decided.

Will focus on personal development from 25 12 06 to 25 12 07.

Will consider picking up photography, oil painting, baking, cycling, music, etc.

There are some courses available at NAFA. Possibilities. But it looks like I'll miss the deadline for the January intake. And it does look a bit pricey. Would be so much cheaper to figure out by myself? :p

Maybe a diploma course, in psychology or tourism? PATH? But also quite expensive leh.

Definitely more reading. And writing. I so miss writing academia-lese. :p

Think about where to invest, and what to invest on, for both good consumption and investment returns.

Maybe get a good camera, a good desktop.

Mammon Inc. II

2006-11-12T14:31:00.000+08:00

Some paragraphs that I like from H H Tan's Mammon Inc.:

__________

"... I feel like I don't fit in anywhere, like I can't connect. Like I'm a three-pin plug in a two-pin world. I want to feel loved by something bigger than myself, to not always feel so alone and abandoned."

__________

Mind the Gap.

The train left and I stared at the dark gap above the tracks.

Sometimes it feels like the East is one mountain, and the West another, and I'm falling in the valley between both, spiralling in the gap between both bodies. I'm trapped in limbo, in the black hole between Heaven and Hell.

Mind the Gap.

Another train pulled in. Who was I kidding? If I crossed the line, it wouldn't make that much difference. I was born in the gap and would always stay there. I had always felt as lost and disconnected as the voice that floated above me. In a way, drifting between here and there, I was the gap.

__________

I was about to defend myself when Steve turned his eys to me and said, 'You abuse us so much.' My sister has the same look in her eyes. That shut me up because I had never seen so much affection as I saw in those different eyes, love in blue and brown. I guess that was what true love was, someone who knew you in all your depravity, and still loved you in spite of it, and in a weird masochistic way, because of it. What other people might find disgusting or annoying about me, they found attractive in a joky anecdotal way. Though they complained about these things, deep down, they found them endearing, or they wouldn't have put up with me all these years.

__________

"I warned you last time, you read too many books, strain your brain, make you stupid. You think just because you read ang mo books, then people will think you're ang mo? What you do is not important. Only what you look like. You're like banana. Outside you're yellow, so when people see you, they only see yellow. Inside you can be really white, but people will still treat you like you're yellow."

Friends' Responses to "Passion; Dispassion"

2006-11-12T14:27:00.000+08:00

Response 1: Get a partner!

Response 2: That's so zen!

Response 3: That's so Rafflesian ...

Response 4: Do you really feel that way?

Boot camp thoughts

2006-11-12T14:10:00.000+08:00

Do I look like an exorcist? Why wake me up at 2 am to go to the loo? Even if really got ghosts, I'll just go 'Huh?' and go back to sleep lor. ZZZZ.

But I do have sweet blood, apparently. With me around, the mozzies won't touch you.

__________________________________________________

I find it rather disturbing that someone's teaching Soka chants to others, and telling them to use it for personal gain, e.g. to get a girl to strip, to pass an exam, etc.

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Most people would consider it unfair if the majority is punished for the actions of a minority, esp if the minority go scot-free.

Then, surely, it's even more unfair if a minority is punished for the actions of the majority, esp if the majority go scot-free.

Mammon Inc.

2006-11-05T16:21:00.000+08:00

Steve got his dick caught in the window. He blames me, of course. As if anything like that could be my fault. But I'll tell you what happened, and you can decide.

Okay ... What a start to this book by Tan Hwee Hwee ...

Will read it properly next week, no more space in my field pack.

But it actually looks quite good.

Hmm.

Okay, book swap. I'll read it this week instead. :p

Random posting on a Sunday morning

2006-11-05T10:04:00.000+08:00

Waking up to the music of birds singing is kinda cool.

But waking up early on a Sunday morning because of a bird competition downstairs is quite another thing altogether! GRR.

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"Malaysia's Goal 2015" - Apparently, there are 376 Malaysian restaurants outside Malaysia. And the Malaysian government wants to raise the number to 8,000 by 2015. There will be cheap loans, tax breaks and help with promotion - all so that "Malaysia's name will be more renowned globally."

A cool idea.

Hopefully these new Malaysian restaurants will serve good and authentic Malaysian food.

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Singapore Ink seems to have die-ded. :(

From a Singapore Angle has moved.

Found a new-ish compilation of Singaporean blogs today though, and it's pretty good: The Intelligent Singaporean. Take a peek! :)

Passion; Dispassion

2006-11-04T17:12:00.000+08:00

Over the past week, someone asked me: 'What are your passions?"

I thought about it. And realised that I don't really know. Or, more accurately, it may be more honest to admit to having nothing that I'm really passionate about. Nothing, I would say, that lies at the core of my being. Nothing that drives me forward. Nothing that I dream about. Nothing that I really want to happen. Nothing that I crave or absolutely need.

I struggled and said, "I don't really have any passions."

The someone said, "Hmm. So you're ... a happy-go-lucky person."

I eagerly nodded.

I guess I do appear to be happy-go-lucky, to be an 'Anything Goes' kinda person, at least to some people. And maybe I am.

Why then do I feel stagnant? Why then do I feel guilty about lacking passion?

Maybe, in part, it's the books I've been reading: a) The Kite Runner, on regret, and b) The Longest Journey, about Rickie Elliott, 'a sensitive and intelligent young man ... who giv(es) up his hopes and values for those of the conventional world, ... sinks into a world of petty conformity and bitter disappointments."

Perhaps, I'm passionate about dispassion, about a sense of balance, about being clinical, about being on both the one hand and the other hand, about being safe and not letting anything veer out of control because of passion. Which means I don't move 'forward' in any direction, and just stay in the safe, dispassionate, and soul-less centre?

Which means that I might just crave something: security.

*Ponders*

I think I should ...

2006-10-29T17:28:00.000+08:00

... make some plans for 2007: what I hope to achieve next year.

Somehow, I feel that my life is stagnating.

Maybe it's because I'm presently now back where I was in Feb 2001.

But I suspect, it's mostly because I haven't grown much in the past year, and have instead become a bit numb, drifting around, trying to hold on to something, anything, nothing.

Let's see whether I come up with anything by next weekend.

Tataz. :)

____________________________________________

I don't really keep track of dates, and usually have no idea what the date this/that day is. Therefore, many a time, I may remember that someone's birthday is coming up, but may miss wishing the boy/ger 'happy birthday'.

Today, it was only upon departure from Clementi for Tekong that I realised that, hey, it's the 29th of Oct - my mum's birthday. The last time my mum and I celebrated her birthday together was in 2001, at the Oriental, I believe. Since then, well, I have been a bit mope-y each year on this day, and on 5th of April, when memories of sudden loss would surge back.

So perhaps, it's fortunate that I've only just realised the date, and that I'm surrounded by people at the moment while writing this out on paper. No opportunity to mope.

Weekend plans

2006-10-24T17:14:00.000+08:00

Am off to the lovely resort island of P T in an hour or so.

And already looking forward to the weekend!

Ma La Guo, sans chilli on Saturday evening. Cough cough lar.

And then, will probably pop by a few places for Halloween. No special costume for myself, I'll just go as the geek I guess. :p

Sunday, another day for relaxation.

And then, P T again.

Bleah.

Quiet Monday

2006-10-23T21:58:00.000+08:00

Today must be one of the most relaxing Mondays for a very long time.

Woke up late, had yummy Portuguese egg tart for breakfast. Went to bank, settled some administrative stuff. HAd chicken rice for lunch. Got supplies for boot camp. Read 'The United States of Europe'. Had a nice nap. Woke up, went to granny's. Had bak cho mee for dinner. Watched 'So you think you can dance'. And now, in front of this trusty old NEC laptop, typing away.

I thought of blogging about Singapore culture. Not many people go to boot camp twice, and I doubt that most of them do not have as contrasting experiences. This current one is proving to be a lesson on aspects of Singapore, Singaporean culture and Singaporeans. Aspects that I have known about but never quite observed firsthand. And also aspects of which I had no idea at all. An observation: Hokkien vulgarities tend to revolve around female body parts, but they seem to be more often used by those who crave proximity to females as well as female attention. If they want the 'cb' so much, why on earth is 'cb' deemed to be a vulgarity to be flung around as an insult?

Then I also realised something. I think I've been single for a year now. Not because I haven't met people that I like. Gosh, haha, I've met so many, and fortunately, a few who like me too, haha. But there hasn't really been the spark I guess, to really kickstart things. Maybe J was a one-off, no more for me? *shrug* It is precisely times like this, when I'm in this mad introspective and retrospective spin, that I kinda need someone's hand to hold, or maybe, haha, someone to sort me out.

Some day my prince will come
Some day we'll meet again
And away to his castle we'll go
To be happy forever I know
Some day when spring is here
We'll find our love anew
And the birds will sing
And wedding bells will ring
Some day when my dreams come true

Bouncey bounce?

2006-10-23T10:54:00.000+08:00

Someone asked me whether I was a bouncer last night.

ME???

Scrawny little lad with no padding. Noone's ever going to bounce off me.

I challenged the someone.

'So, if one day, you get really drunk, and just collapse in the middle of the dance floor, amidst shattered glass and wildly trodding pseudo-dancers, you want to be left there alone?'

Idiot.

But, man, drunk people can be so heavy.

P.S. Attica is quite cool. Tho more than a bit pricey.

Cough cough sniffle sniffle

2006-10-21T10:55:00.000+08:00

I think I've got the Tekong cough and the haze sniffles. Bleah.

Memories of Charlie company came back quite vividly while marching past. Everything still looks the same, though obviously the people are different, and also the paint seems to have faded quite a bit. The track needs some repair, and the rifles look a lot older. I guess, all this is kinda to be expected, wear and tear mah.

So, what to do over this long weekend?

I guess, the cough and sniffles preclude any clubbing.

Will go to Kam Boat later for dim sum.

And also to the library, need a fresh supply of books.

Other than that, nothing else planned.

Jitters

2006-10-08T22:46:00.000+08:00

Just now, I was trying on my new No. 4s for the first time. This time, they're of the right size, and it's a lot easier to fold those sleeves.

Am feeling a bit jittery of late. Sortov on the rebound kinda feeling, though I've never really had a rebound and there's nothing to rebound from at this present moment.

A bit needy too.

Sometimes a bag of nerves.

I don't know whether it's some psychological thing: my essential tremors are back - my fingers are twitching; my hips hurt; my heels hurt big time; it's harder to breathe (this is prolly caused by the haze).

So if I look like I need a hug, well, actually, I do. Gimme one. :)

Or more than one.

Well, Tekong, I'm coming.

Let's hope it's gonna be a positive experience.

The E in L.I.V.E

;)

Kite

2006-10-01T13:41:00.000+08:00

Today, for some reason, I feel like a kite. Not stuck in a tree, still flying, not really wanting to land.

But it seems like the string has snapped and I'm just flying aimlessly.

Today, for some reason, I feel like I need to be re-attached to some string or ribbon or a hand, that I need some grounding, someone I have the option to come home and come back to.

It's not going to happen any time soon, I think. haha. Maybe I'm too picky. Or maybe I'm too scared, and run away from the possibilities that I might crave. Or maybe it's just too difficult to find someone who really excites me, and whom I really feel comfy with. It has happened before, haha, maybe it only happens once in a life-time.

So for now, I'll drift, like I do in Tantric and Tabz, doing my own thing, having the amazing company of friends.

Maybe I'm the kite in Stef Sun's song.

Maybe I want to be reined in.

I don't really know.

Who does? :)

wHoOoOpEeEe!!!!!

2006-09-19T20:40:00.000+08:00

On Sunday, I got myself a big big bite mark on my neck.

My ass hurt big time.

My balls felt numb.

My hands were cramping.

My legs were open wide.

My calves were exhausted.

BUT ........

It was all worth it ...

I can cycle now!!!!

Thanks, Marc, for the lessons and the pix, the yummy lunch and the tour of Ubin. :p

Botak Jones ...

2006-09-05T20:04:00.000+08:00

... has come to Clementi.

The hor fun stall at my local coffee shop has always been going bust.

So every now and again, there's a new stall in town.

And today ... that stall is no longer selling hor fun.

Instead, it's selling ... lamb chops, steaks and burgers ...

And it's according to the Botak Jones website, it's DAMN GOOD FOOD, AT A DAMN GOOD PRICE, AUTHENTIC AMERICAN FOOD

This is the lamb chop.

mmmh. Maybe I'll try it tomorrow.

:p

Wassup?

2006-08-28T19:42:00.000+08:00

Been quite busy of late, and somehow this blog slipped way down in my 'things-to-do' priority list.

What have I been up to of late?

Among other things:

a) Red Star for dim sum;
b) Singapore Art Museum, re-exploring Singaporean art;
c) Open-air cinema, watching MI3 and X-Men 3;
d) Kinokuniya book browsing, and reading about Catherine the Great's sexual exploits;
e) Finding Chomp Chomp, and not eating there;
f) Playing with cats;
g) Helping out with a media brief, and bumping into an old uni-friend;
h) Planning and running meetings, and escaping during the meeting to watch the installation of art work;
i) Watching the French National Day fireworks, with a French friend amidst pushy aunties
j) Having far too much fried chicken from KFC;
h) Contemplating having a cook-out at my place, but not getting down to planning it;
i) Making more new friends, some more of whom have been pronounced outre by a film critic;
j) Finding Boon Tong Kit along Balestier Road;
k) Trotting along in the rain at the Army Half Marathon;
l) Getting slightly tipsy, then jumping around at Taboo's handbag night;
m) Going to Wine Connection, and getting slightly tipsy there, on a weeknight;
n) Going to the cookhouse, and getting extremely full on too large a serving on rice and chicken and crab cake and veggies;
o) Trying to get this blog re-started but generally failing miserably and deleting stillborn blog entries
p) Tickling my granny so that she wakes up;
q) Bumping into my PSG-junior at Borders and catching up with him;
r) Doing miserably on the BBC English Language Test the Nation quiz;
s) Reinstalling Championship Manager and finding it extremely boring;
t) Rewatching Beautiful Thing and Billy Elliot and finding that my copy of the Hours is in NYC;
u) Getting judged to be giving out bottom vibes;
v) Getting amused that a particular boss said that he's getting filled up, as opposed to his schedule getting filled up;
w) Getting new pink toothpaste;
x) Getting three new collared shirts / polo tees;
y) Hoping to volunteer for the IMF visit;
z) Racking my brain trying to hit 26 items here. :p

Coming up possibilities & certainties:
i) The Singapore Biennale party at the Padang;
ii) A trip to the Sima Road Guanyin Temple;
iii) A tea trip to Cha Yuan;
iv) Organising an art competition;
v) A holiday trip somewhere in early October;
vi) Boot camp.

Clean and green ...

2006-08-20T09:53:00.000+08:00

But actually, has it been only clean and green on the outside?

Lively city means more tourists and jobs: MM

Wholesome and orderly place is no longer good enough for a new S'pore

By Peh Shing Huei
Aug 19, 2006
The Straits Times

A NEW Singapore is needed to lure a new generation of tourists here and boost the services sector. This will ensure that jobs in this sector remain here and provide opportunities for Singapore workers, said Minister Mentor Lee Kuan Yew last night.
'The Singapore that we had - very orderly, very wholesome, very clean - is not good enough,' he added.

Singapore must aim to inject more fun and buzz and create a lively nightscene that can make it the 'Paris of South-east Asia'.

Mr Lee was encouraged by what he saw at Clarke Quay during a recent visit.

'People wine, dine and drink till four or five in the morning at weekends,'' he shared with more than 1,000 residents at the Tanjong Pagar National Day dinner.

Tourists nowadays enjoy entertainment such as the topless cabaret show Crazy Horse and the popular nightspot, Ministry of Sound.

'So we must have more of these,' he urged.

An exciting city has practical benefits: It increases the services sector. This keeps jobs here, as jobs in the local services sector cannot be 'migrated' or moved out of Singapore. This sector can then create jobs for more workers, including older, less-educated ones, he explained.

Discover ...

2006-08-09T09:47:00.000+08:00

Hear the past ...

See the present ...

Touch the future ...

Go to the ...

Singapore Discovery Centre. :p

If you're in the area, and know my number, please drop me an sms and I'll try to slip out and look for ya.

An exceptional tomorrow?

2006-08-09T09:42:00.000+08:00

Tharman says ...

Our task in MOE, and in our schools and tertiary institutions, is to prepare young Singaporeans to embrace this future with confidence. They cannot get by on old strengths. We must help them discover and build new strengths, and climb new peaks. That is what the new Singapore will be -- many new peaks of excellence.

Young Singaporeans are finding their talents in many, diverse areas -- in scholarship, as well as in the sports and arts. Each year, we see many more examples of Singapore youth doing something different from the norm, and often something exceptional.

We have to keep up this momentum, keep encouraging our young to follow their passions. Our schools must strive to create more space and opportunities for our students to develop their own interests and find their own strengths.

Whatever the field, we must grow a culture of wanting to be exceptional, of wanting to make an impact beyond Singapore, of wanting to break new ground. That is how we will earn our reputation in the new world we face -- by being exceptional, not just performing creditably, and by climbing global peaks, not just peaks of our own.

However the new Singapore is not just about the best. We must encourage every student, not just the best in each field, to discover what they enjoy and develop their talents to the maximum -- including talents they never knew they had. Every student has an interest and a strength to be developed, whether through their studies, CCA, hobbies, or opportunities to be involved in the community. Each of them will contribute to making a new Singapore.

...

We have a bright future together. The Singapore brand has never been stronger, wherever you go in the world. By being exceptional, by encouraging every young Singaporean to develop their interests and talents, and by rooting each new generation in the experience of growing up together in Singapore, we will keep the story going for many years to come.

Rumour has it

2006-07-22T23:30:00.000+08:00

A couple of quotes from the film :) :

Annie: I'm the most screwed-up person in the world!
Sarah: You're not even the most screwed-up person in this room!

------------------------------------

Sarah: I didn't come here to tell you that I can't live without you. I can live without you. I just don't want to.

Follies at work

2006-07-08T10:54:00.000+08:00

I guess everyone gets reprimanded at work, at least once in a while.

So having made quite a few mistakes lately, it's fair that I'm getting reprimanded. And I'm feeling rather bad about it (which is prolly better than feeling numb and bo chap about it).

Thankfully, lines about big fish and small fish proved to be rather hilarious and distracted me from the reprimands of yesterday, if only for a short while.

Got back, sat down, thought about stuff I need to do on Monday, and realised that something important, despite perhaps sounding so so trivial, slipped my mind. So cross my fingers (cross yours too, chant,pray, etc please! :p) that I can remedy this oversight on Monday.

Hopefully one doesn't need to staff papers and raise Approval of Requirements to order coffee, tea and water from the in-house caterer.

Decided that brooding outside was better than brooding indoors, and headed off to Orchard for a while.

Been thinking about it. I could continue to take initiative, and be blamed for any mistakes I make. Or hide and do the minimal, and let the remaining year pass quickly. Which will it be?

I would prefer the former, but I guess I'll have to earn the respect and trust (back after my recent follies and oversights).

But maybe, just maybe, I'll get me stamped out of me.

Groundbroken

2006-06-25T21:53:00.000+08:00

Weekend

2006-06-18T21:32:00.000+08:00

As weekends go, I've just had a fantastic one.

It has been both a busy and relaxed weekend, spending time alone and spending time with friends: strolling around West Coast Park, morning break and stroll around the Intercontinental & Bugis Junction, an interesting & thought-provoking movie, a night out mingling and window-shopping at the pub, late night supper at Maxwell, etc. And of course, lots of hugs. :p

I've also heard from a pal who's recently moved abroad. Hope he had a good experience at the Web. :) Web-esque & Kudo-esque places have to be taken in with a bit of detached humour.

I'll prolly have a chat with Jonny in a bit, if he's at home.

And read a book on the British National Service.

A nice relaxing evening to end the week. :) I daresay this is my loveliest weekend in a long time.

This weekend's movie's U-Carmen, an adaptation of Carmen. Instead of Sevilla, U-Carmen takes place in a South African township. Instead of Spaniards, the characters are South Africas who speak/sing Xhosa.

I'm aware that particular members of the audience didn't like the film. The (Australian) lady sitting behind me said rather loudly 'Bizet would turn in his grave.' To which lyraine and I burst out laughing. :p Yah. Singaporeans laugh at the farniest things.

I think also that because Carmen was written for the stage, it would be challenging for an cinematic adaptation to match the operatic pageantry of a live performance.

But I quite like the film - for two main reasons.

First, the cast. According to www.incinemas.com.sg, "the singing cast are from Dimpho Di Kopane, whose members were sourced from the shantytowns and had no formal musical training in opera at all". Wow. Their talent is just amazing lor! Can you imagine our kopitiam aunties and ah peks singing a Singlish adaptation of Carmen (with Selena Tan in the title role), haha? Actually, haha, maybe the kopi-aunties shouting orders may be enlisted, hehe. The lady playing U-Carmen was fantastic, though I think her U-Carmen is a tad more malignant than the more common interpretations and depictions of Carmen. I feel that U-Carmen's really charismatic and attractive (Big ladies can be amazing, e.g. Mandisa!). But I wouldn't like U-Carmen as a person. Unlike with Carmen, I cannot trust or sympathise with her.

Second, the script. Having Xhosa lyrics (clicks and all). The incorporation of South Africa music and rhythms. The sheer ingenuity involved in converting Carmen from a European opera to an African cinematic musical.

Some scenes that stick in my mind: the Singapore Airlines plane landing, the cows crossing the overhead bridge, and the can of F&N Fanta Orange on the table. The cows made me laugh out loud. Again, Singaporeans laugh at the strangest things? :p

For a better movie experience, Picturehouse definitely needs to buck up. It's freaking cold for one. And the sound-proofing is koyak: I could hear renovation works (drilling) in the background. ARGH.

Okay. Here's some possible plans for the next few weeks:

a) Speed-dating. STRAIGHT speed dating. AKA GIRLS. Eeek. haha. But might be fun. Make friends lor. lyraine, let me think about it, haha. I don't want girl trouble again. :p

Mega Dating @ Crystal Cafe (Overseas Graduates)

Spend your Thursday evening meeting new friends over sumptuous buffet dinner in a cosy restaurant. Strictly for just up to 38 Diners who are Overseas Graduates. Don't be late! Sign up now...

Event Date & Time: 13 July 2006 7.00pm to 10.

b) Chalet. I'm thinking of organising a chalet, subject to budget constraints. If it's a two day thing, then one day would be a uni-mates outing and the other would be a g.com one. Any recommendations for this? I've only been the SAFRA one at Changi, eons ago. hmm. Chalet also good for practising my cycling.

我要快乐 - 张惠妹

2006-06-14T22:31:00.000+08:00

又被爱伤了一遍
无所谓当作成长
刚刚走开的人
烟还点着味道却淡了
我并不是天生爱寂寞
却比任何人都多
就算把世界给我
我还是一无所有
我要快乐我要能睡的安稳
有些人不抱了才温暖
离开了才不恨我早应该割舍
我要快乐哪怕笑的再大声
心不是热的全都是假的
只有眼泪是真的
把从前想了一遍
谢谢了伤我的人
想做乐观的人
每种雨声听了都不冷
我并不是天生爱寂寞
却比任何人都多
就算把世界给我
我还是一无所有
我要快乐我要能睡的安稳
有些人不抱了才温暖
离开了才不恨我早应该割舍
我要快乐哪怕笑的再大声
心不是热的全都是假的
我的决定是对的

(It's a sad song, I know. :) I'm not depressed. I just like the song.)

Beautiful Thing; Broken Hearts Club; Gosford Park; The Hours

2006-06-14T22:02:00.000+08:00

For my 300th entry on this blog, I'll put up some of my favourite lines from a couple of my favourite movies. Thanks to IMDB. :) Some of those lines from the hours nudged me in my current direction. And I am happy for that.

_____

Sandra: It's not natural, is it?
Jamie: What ain't?
Sandra: A girl her age being into Mama Cass.
Leah: She's got a really beautiful voice.
Sandra: And what's wrong with Madonna?
Leah: She's a slut.
Sandra: Hypocrite.

_____

Miss Chauhan: Right, now, this is Mr. Bennett and he's gonna be taking the boys for football. Mr. Bennett foolishly wants to be a teacher.
Ryan McBride: What you fucking looking at?
Miss Chauhan: Er, less fucking and more attention please.
[She looks across to Gina, who is obviously pregnant]
Miss Chauhan: Something you might have said to your boyfriend, that, Gina.

_____

Jamie: You know who Claude Monet is?
Sandra: Jamie, don't make me out to be thick.
Jamie: Who was he then?
Sandra: He painted the Sixteenth Chapel.

_____

Leah: Don't suppose you've got any jobs in your new pub?
Sandra: No. But if I ever do turn it into a brothel I'll get back to you, ok?

_____

Howie: Dumb gorgeous people should not be allowed to use literature when competing in the pickup pool. It's like bald people wearing hats... it's deceiving.

_____

Taylor: I was left for another man. And not just any other man, a trainer. A trainer named Dash. I was left for a punctuation mark.

_____

Marshall: I hang on because I love you, and I wait patiently for you to calm down and wake up and realize that you love me too. You hang on because it's easy.
Howie: When you say it like that I sound like an asshole!

_____

Dennis: You told them!
Kevin: It just kind of slipped out. My mom said she made some key lime pie, and I said 'great, I love key lime pie... and I'm gay'.
Dennis: I bet she wishes she made apple pie instead.

_____

Jack: Sometimes I wonder what you boys would do if you weren't gay. You'd have no identity. It was easy when you couldn't talk about it. Now it's all you talk about. You talk about it so much that you forget about all the other things that you are.

_____

Henry Denton: You British really don't have a sense of humor do you?
Elsie (Head Housemaid): We do if something's funny.

_____

Henry Denton: He's a vegetarian. He doesn't eat meat.
Mrs. Croft: Doesn't eat meat? He comes to a shooting party and doesn't eat meat?
Mrs. Wilson: Now, now Mrs. Croft, we don't want to be thought unsophisticated. Mr. Weissman's an American. They do things differently there.

_____

Morris Weissman: What about Claudette Colbert? She's British, isn't she? Is she, like, affected or is she British?

_____

Lavinia Meredith: It makes you sound desperate.
Anthony Meredith: Well, I AM fucking desperate.

_____

Elsie: Why do we spend our time living through them? Look at poor old Lewis. If her own mother had a heart attack, she'd think it was less important than one of Lady Sylvia's farts.

_____

Dorothy: I believe in love. Not just getting it, but giving it. I think that if you're able to love someone, even if they don't know it, even if they can't love you back, then it's worth it.

_____

Lady Sylvia McCordle: What *are* you wearing?
Isobel McCordle: Don't you like it? You bought it.
Lady Sylvia McCordle: Did I? How extraordinary of me.

_____

Vanessa Bell: Virginia.
Virginia Woolf: Leonard thinks it's the end of civilization: People who are invited at 4 and arrive at 2:30.
Vanessa Bell: Oh God.
Virginia Woolf: Barbarians.

_____

Leonard Woolf: If I didn't know you better I'd call this ingratitude.
Virginia Woolf: I am ungrateful? You call ME ungrateful? My life has been stolen from me. I'm living in a town I have no wish to live in... I'm living a life I have no wish to live... How did this happen?

_____

Virginia Woolf: I'm dying in this town.
Leonard Woolf: If you were thinking clearly, Virginia, you would recall it was London that brought you low.
Virginia Woolf: If I were thinking clearly? If I were thinking clearly?
Leonard Woolf: We brought you to Richmond to give you peace.
Virginia Woolf: If I were thinking clearly, Leonard, I would tell you that I wrestle alone in the dark, in the deep dark, and that only I can know. Only I can understand my condition. You live with the threat, you tell me you live with the threat of my extinction. Leonard, I live with it too.

_____

Virginia Woolf: This is my right; it is the right of every human being. I choose not the suffocating anesthetic of the suburbs, but the violent jolt of the Capital, that is my choice. The meanest patient, yes, even the very lowest is allowed some say in the matter of her own prescription. Thereby she defines her humanity. I wish, for your sake, Leonard, I could be happy in this quietness.
[pause]
Virginia Woolf: But if it is a choice between Richmond and death, I choose death.

_____

Clarissa Vaughn: All right Richard, do me one simple favor. Come. Come sit.
Richard Brown: I don't think I can make it to the party, Clarissa.
Clarissa Vaughn: You don't have to go to the party, you don't have to go to the ceremony, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. You can do as you like.
Richard Brown: But I still have to face the hours, don't I? I mean, the hours after the party, and the hours after that...
Clarissa Vaughn: You do have good days still. You know you do.
Richard Brown: Not really. I mean, it's kind of you to say so, but it's not really true.

_____

Clarissa Vaughn: That is what we do. That is what people do. They stay alive for each other.

_____

Virginia Woolf: Dear Leonard. To look life in the face, always, to look life in the face and to know it for what it is. At last to know it, to love it for what it is, and then, to put it away. Leonard, always the years between us, always the years. Always the love. Always the hours.

_____

Clarissa Vaughn: I don't know what's happening to me. I seemed to be unraveling.

_____

Clarissa Vaughn: He gives me that look.
Julia: What look?
Clarissa Vaughn: To say your life is trivial. You are so trivial.

_____

[in 1921]
Virginia Woolf: [writing in her book] Mrs. Dalloway said she would buy the flowers herself.
[in 1951]
Laura Brown: [reading in bed] Mrs. Dalloway said she would buy the flowers herself.
[in 2001]
Clarissa Vaughan: Sally, I think I'll buy the flowers myself.
[waking up]
Sally Lester: What? What flowers?
[realizing]
Sally Lester: Oh, shit! I forgot!

_____

Vanessa Bell: Your aunt is a very lucky woman, Angelica. She has two lives. She has the life she is leading, and also the books she is writing.

_____

Sally: Why do I always have to sit next to the exes? Is this some kind of a hint, sweetheart? Anyway, shouldn't the exes have a table of their own, where they can all ex together in ex-quisite agony?

_____

Virginia Woolf: Someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value life more. It's contrast.

_____

Angelica Bell: What happens when we die?
Virginia Woolf: What happens?
[pause]
Virginia Woolf: We return to the place we came from.
Angelica Bell: I don't remember where I came from.
Virginia Woolf: Nor do I.

_____

Virginia Woolf: I am saying, Vanessa, that even crazy people like to be asked.

_____

Virginia Woolf: It's on this day. This day of all days. Her fate becomes clear to her.

Is He Cute or Is He British?

2006-06-11T14:17:00.000+08:00

Hilarious ... :p

Is He Cute or Is He British?
by Sarah Hepola

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week the Non-Expert helps a forlorn reader determine if her new guy actually looks as good as he talks.

Have a question? Need some advice? Ignored by everyone else? Send your questions via email. The Non-Expert handles all subjects and is updated on Fridays, and is written by a member of The Morning News staff.

Question:

I recently started dating a British guy. I think he’s cute, but maybe it’s just that he has an English accent. How can I tell the difference?—Carrie F.

Answer:

Like many romantic dilemmas—“Your place or mine?,” “Is it warm in here, or am I just drunk?”—this is a question that has long plagued American women. The British accent is Kryptonite to the female resolve, and though the evening may start with him innocently “chatting you up,” it ends with your knickers draped on a lamp in his sketchy midtown apartment. Would this happen if he didn’t have that damn British accent? Yes, because you’re a slut. But it wouldn’t have happened twice. And not while his mum was visiting.

When it comes to the attractiveness of British men, American women are simply incapable of rendering a proper judgment. Bad teeth, the unibrow, Guinness bloat, doesn’t matter; hell, we think Tony Blair is hot. Studies have proven that British accents are, in fact, the number one cause of hot women dating nerdy men. (Number two cause? Woody Allen.) There’s nothing wrong with dating men who have British accents; Madonna liked her husband’s so much she got one of her own. But there are scoundrels out there—those who use their cute British accents to lure innocent birds to their flat for a friendly game of hide the blood sausage. Sorry.

The following prompts will help as you try to decipher whether your new bloke is a winner or a wanker. Beware the British accent, ladies, and remember: The country that gave us Shakespeare also gave us Simply Red.

...

How does he dress?

The archetypal British chap wears tweed jackets, a fine cashmere sweater vest, and a dashing Burberry coat. (Well, that’s what they wore in Closer. Hell if I’ve ever been to London.) But most British blokes I know are less formal, prone to wearing World Cup-sponsored clothing and jeans. This is fine. It’s to be expected. With one caveat: If there is any chance of a gold chain and a yellow tracksuit in his closet, I say run.

...

Beware cultural nuance.

Though we speak the same language, Americans and Brits have famously different words to describe the same thing. Everyone knows what we call “fries,” they call “chips.” But there are subtle phrases which, if you’re not careful, can cause grievous misunderstanding. For instance: When he says, “Can I bum a fag?” he’s not trying to expand your relationship—he is simply asking for a cigarette. When he says, “I could murder a taxi right now” he means only that he wants a taxi very badly. When he says, “I’m off to the pub with me mates for some tipple,” it means he’s going to pee the bed. Watch out.

Other yummy articles on the Morning News

London Sprawling

Shirtless Summer

Vexed in the City

Book Club

2006-06-08T20:45:00.000+08:00

Argh. Been so busy of late, esp. at work, that I'm always so tired. And I've run out of things to say, or to be really really excited about. Ok. The tiredness is an excuse, for not reading much of late. So, these days, I'm not even a pseudo-intellectual lor, just a brainless boy with awkward silences, cannot even be smart-alecky.

Anyhow, today, a friend suggested setting up a book club. What's a book club? ermz. Without wikipedia-ing, I get the impression that it's something like a group of friends coming together, having read a particular book / article / works by a particular author / poem / anthology ..., to discuss their thoughts. Kinda like a lit class perhaps, only hopefully without a know-it-all teacher who goes on and on about poetic devices and postmodernist interpretations. An excuse to socialise maybe. But a good (and possibly pseudo-intellectual :p ) one. Some different to do in Singapore.

If you were to set up a book club today, suggest a couple of books (any book, regardless of whether you're read it or not) you would put forth / recommend. :)

Browsing Amazon, I've come out with the following five:

1) The Stolen Child: A Novel
by Keith Donohue

Inspired by the W.B. Yeats poem that tempts a child from home to the waters and the wild, The Stolen Child is a modern fairy tale narrated by the child Henry Day and his double.

On a summer night, Henry Day runs away from home and hides in a hollow tree. There he is taken by the changelings — an unaging tribe of wild children who live in darkness and in secret. They spirit him away, name him Aniday, and make him one of their own. Stuck forever as a child, Aniday grows in spirit, struggling to remember the life and family he left behind. He also seeks to understand and fit in this shadow land, as modern life encroaches upon both myth and nature.

In his place, the changelings leave a double, a boy who steals Henry's life in the world. This new Henry Day must adjust to a modern culture while hiding his true identity from the Day family. But he can't hide his extraordinary talent for the piano (a skill the true Henry never displayed), and his dazzling performances prompt his father to suspect that the son he has raised is an imposter. As he ages the new Henry Day becomes haunted by vague but persistent memories of life in another time and place, of a German piano teacher and his prodigy. Of a time when he, too, had been a stolen child. Both Henry and Aniday obsessively search for who they once were before they changed places in the world.

The Stolen Child is a classic tale of leaving childhood and the search for identity. With just the right mix of fantasy and realism, Keith Donohue has created a bedtime story for adults and a literary fable of remarkable depth and strange delights.

2) In Cold Blood
by Truman Capote

Until one morning in mid-November of 1959, few Americans--in fact, few Kansans--had ever heard of Holcomb. Like the waters of the river, like the motorists on the highway, and like the yellow trains streaking down the Santa Fe tracks, drama, in the shape of exceptional happenings, had never stopped there." If all Truman Capote did was invent a new genre--journalism written with the language and structure of literature--this "nonfiction novel" about the brutal slaying of the Clutter family by two would-be robbers would be remembered as a trail-blazing experiment that has influenced countless writers. But Capote achieved more than that. He wrote a true masterpiece of creative nonfiction. The images of this tale continue to resonate in our minds: 16-year-old Nancy Clutter teaching a friend how to bake a cherry pie, Dick Hickock's black '49 Chevrolet sedan, Perry Smith's Gibson guitar and his dreams of gold in a tropical paradise--the blood on the walls and the final "thud-snap" of the rope-broken necks.

3) Knowledge and the Wealth Of Nations: A Story of Economic Discovery
by David Warsh

In this shrewd piece of intellectual history, former Boston Globe columnist Warsh shows how two contradictory concepts of Adam Smith-the invisible hand and the division of labor (famously, at a pin factory)-took on lives of their own after their 1776 publication in The Wealth of Nations, and then finally converged in the work of late 20th century economist Paul Romer. In the first half of this book, Warsh gives an entertaining and precise history of economic thought from Smith forward, through the lens of what have come to be two of his key constructs. Warsh's treatment of difficult economic concepts like value is brief but clear and accurate, and he gives equal weight to personalities, institutions and broader social forces. In the second half of the book, Warsh advances the claim that in the 1970s and 80s, when Romer divided economics into people, ideas and things, instead of labor, capital and land, he touched off a revolution in the field, one that is still playing out in now-dominant "New Growth Theory" economics. Warsh does not focus narrowly on Romer's work, but describes the social and institutional framework of modern professional economics: how ideas percolate, how papers are published, how careers advance and how meetings and societies are organized. The book brings sophisticated ideas into a complex story without losing the thread, or the reader's interest.

4) Why Most Things Fail : Evolution, Extinction and Economics
by Paul Ormerod

Businesses collapse just as surely as people do, yet economics textbooks and financial reporters stubbornly concentrate on success rather than failure. Ormerod (Butterfly Economics) argues this outlook is fundamentally flawed; failure, he says, is "the distinguishing feature of corporate life," and he uses it to link economic models with models of biological evolution, which he presents as a string of extinctions rather than survival of the fittest. Despite this parallel, his focus is on economic theory and what he sees as its inadequate accounting of uncertainty (defined as the impossibility of knowing how policies or business strategies will work) and how it breeds failure. He writes about complex concepts such as power-law behavior, game theory and bounded rationality, but makes them accessible to the lay reader with lengthy but readable explanations that forsake jargon for contemporary cultural references. (Though people who are already familiar with the debates he brings up will doubtless get more out of the book) Yet for all his persuasive examples, the book never crystallizes into a whole, so while readers may find many parts provocative, they are likely to finish it still lacking a complete understanding of failure as Ormerod sees it.

5) The Economics of Innocent Fraud : Truth For Our Time
by John Kenneth Galbraith

Economics cultivates its own version of truth. Galbraith notes that no one is especially at fault - and what is at issue is simply a widespreadpreference to believe what is convenient. Hence the term “innocent fraud”. Most practitioners have simply been conditioned into a thought framework, without consciousness of how their views were shaped. This much is certainly echoed elsewhere in the economics literature, as in Joan Robinson's comment that economics is part science and part ideology, and in the economic philosophy literature, per medium of the writings of Schumacher, Etzioni, Sen and others who object that most economists don’t appreciate that alternative conceptions of the nature of humankind and of the acceptability of utilitarianism are available and that their theories would have to change if they acceded to them.

Galbraith objects that bland reference to “the market system” places a veil over the reality of corporate power. The market is subject to skilledand comprehensive management but this is not mentioned in most economics teaching. Thus, teaching new students of “the market system”, and of consumer sovereignty, is “a not wholly innocent fraud”.

P.S. Italics are drawn from publishers' notes, reviews and blurbs.

Whozzat?

2006-06-05T21:11:00.000+08:00

Sexy intro.

2006-06-05T21:02:00.000+08:00

Whoolala.

I normally hate those Intro bits to websites.

But this is way sexy: Blake McGrath

Way way sexy.

And I love the music too.

Visitor stats

2006-06-04T22:25:00.000+08:00

Just took a peek at my blog's visitor stats.

Hmm.

Do I know anyone who lives in Bayern? Or Texas?

Only 15 percent of my recent visitors are from Singapore.

33 percent are from Bayern.

21 percent from London.

And 11 percent from Houston.

Hmm.

How come?

A Moment in Time

2006-06-04T22:12:00.000+08:00

There are particular moments, I guess, in everyone's life that one would definitely remember.

Today, I think I had one of those, pedaling for about 10 m on a rented bicycle, on a patch of sand at East Coast Park.

It was a moment when things just seemed to fall in place, and voila, something miraculous happened. A moment of epiphany - "OH! So this is how one cycles ..."

A BIG BIG "THANK YOU" to M, who was very patient in teaching psychometrically-challenged me how to cycle. :) I definitely had a fantastic and memorable time!

Now, next, I need to learn how to brake ... :p

Pretty-boy MPs

2006-06-04T14:05:00.000+08:00

If David Cameron is right and the British public likes cute MPs, then this could be a sight to be seen in Westminster upon the next election. Apparently, this bloke is gunning for Michael Howard's safe Folkestone and Hythe seat, when the former Tory leader vacates it.

Apparently, he has recently come up with an A-list of Tory candidates. This A-list is rather diverse and atypical of the usual white, middle-class male Tory slate: more than 50 percent of the top 100 are ladies, and 10 percent are from ethnic minorities. Another tranche of the "best and brightest" candidates will join the list later in the year. I haven't looked at the full list, but ex-Coronation Street actor Adam Rickitt eco-campaigner Zac Goldsmith and author Louise Bagshawe, who are all on this list, don't strike me as the typical Tory candidate profile.

Mr Cameron says: "This is not about appearance, this is not about political correctness. It is about being more effective. ... I want to make sure the conversation the Conservative Party has in Parliament amongst itself is like the conversation we need to have with the rest of the country."

But there's opposition of course. Francis Maude, the Conservative chairman, vowed not to impose "mincing metrosexuals" on "gritty northern" seats.

Maybe more Brits will watch Prime Minister's Questions come 201X. And swoon.

:p

Well, we'll see.

London

2006-05-29T22:03:00.000+08:00

25th June to 1st July?

Decisions decisions decisions.

How?

To go or not to go?

To take leave or not to take leave.

Part of me wants to go.

Part of me wants to see elsewhere.

Part of me wants someone to come over.

ARGH.

Choices choices

2006-05-27T20:47:00.000+08:00

I agree with city_walker (and LBD) that the blog is a useful place to store thoughts and capture moments of one's personal history.

If only the blog also existed in a form like Astinus's chronicles of the Dragonlance realms, and one can read everything about the past by going to his library.

One makes many choices in one's lifetime. Memory does not really serve us that well though, in recording why one makes particular choices, or whether there was a real choice in the matter, or the various options that one actually had (and perhaps failed to see).

It's not only the big choices (or pseudo-choices) that one makes that would be interesting to review. Small everyday choices, like what to eat on particular days (e.g. first dates, last meals with people, etc.), why one bought this shoe instead of the other, why one chose to drink so much and snog this person and the other, etc., can be similarly interesting, if not more so, for trivial amusing reasons.

I was just thinking about a few major choices. I'm not regretting them, as I have learnt quite a bit from what have eventuated from them. I am instead reviewing them as an pseudo-intellectual exercise, and am wondering a) whether they were real choices, b) whether they are reversible, c) whether I want to reverse them, and c) whether I chose the path I chose because it's the more difficult one.

For one in particular, I realise I know when I made the choice and flicked the switch, long long time ago. And I wonder, what happens if I want to switch it back?

ladida

2006-05-22T21:11:00.000+08:00

Stop thinking about what you want in the future. Instead, try visualising that it is manifested in your life right now. That small change in your attitude can make all the difference when it comes to some cherished goals. - Aquarius, 22nd May 2006

My brain seems to be wired differently at the moment.

What do I want in the future? What do I want now? What do I need in the future? What do I want now?

I don't really know, and I realise, I'm not that fussed about it.

I've got an good job - I do complain about bits of it, but I'm also quite thankful.

I'm neither alone nor lonely. Not enough time and space to be either really.

I see people I like, but don't really feel any desperate need to grab them. Nor do I feel jealous when they are taken up, maybe happy for them, sometimes a tad amused, sometimes a bit worried.

I'm actually quite happy. Or at least not unhappy.

Though I guess, a backrub for my sore shoulders would always make me a tad happier. :p

Wassup

2006-05-15T06:42:00.000+08:00

Singapore is so small. This past weekend, I've seen three telly songwriting celebs.

Manhunt was himbotic. So is Mr. Tantric. Argh.

I saw myself on a replay of a video recording. I didn't quite know I move like that - a little awkward, a little pouncey, a little light and soft. Hmm.

I haven't had much opportunity to read blogs of late. Must remedy that and stay in more often. My kidneys, my kidneys, sighz.

I think my MU of going to bars has nearly intersected with whatever it's supposed to intersect. Too early in the morning to think about microeconomics.

A friend said, unless I want someone right now/then, it may be better to observe how the someone is like first. Less anguish, less rushing around. And can learn quite a bit. True true I guess.

I think I've had enough of rushing around. But then I've said this for ages.

I've been said to be emotionally distant. Reserved and restrained, that's the way I have been and that's the way I am.

A Separate Peace

2006-05-13T11:18:00.000+08:00

By John Knowles....

'Until now, in spite of everything, I had welcomed each new day as though it were a new life, where all past failures and problems were erased, and all future possibilities and joys open and available, to be achieved probably before night fell again. Now, in this winter of snow and crutches with Phineas, I began to know that each morning reasserted the problems of the night before, that sleep suspended all but changed nothing, that you couldn't make yourself over between dawn and dusk.'

'The winter loves me ... I mean as much as you can say a season can love. What I mean is, I love winter, and when you really love something, then it loves you back, in whatever way it has to love.'

'I did not cry then or ever about Finny. I did not cry even when I stood watching him being lowered into his family's strait-laced burial ground outside of Boston. I could not escape a feeling that this was my own funeral, and you do not cry in that case.'

Wassup?

2006-05-10T06:55:00.000+08:00

Ok.

I've been reading Kate Fox's Watching the English. I thoroughly recommend, if only for the feeling that this book is thoroughly English in humour and disposition.

I've been responding to comments on the LSE on the MINDEF eforums.

I've been hanging out at Backstage and Mox and Tantric.

I've been following the elections results.

I've stopped reading the papers after the elections.

I want to go watch Da Vinci Code.

I don't want to go Towel Club.

I don't want to go watch Shakespeare.

I am going to the Newater Visitor Centre this morning.

I am going to read and critique on the assumptions for a business plan.

I am going to research on where I may go with my airmiles.

I am going to consider getting JoNny over with the airmiles, esp. if I can't take leave.

I'm going to curb any jealosy and take deep breaths.

I am considering getting a tanktop.

I'm excited about tonight's American Idol.

I love the dance programme 'So you think you can dance'.

I am listening to Geek In The Pink.

I am going to be late for work.

:p

Quiet

2006-05-07T23:28:00.000+08:00

I've been quiet of late.

Been very busy lar.

More updates soon to come, I promise. :)

Elections 2006

2006-04-28T18:32:00.000+08:00

All's quiet on the Western front.

Sighz.

gEEK iN pINK

2006-04-18T07:04:00.000+08:00

Ooh lala. I love Jason Mraz. Funky music, cool lyrics ...

We'll let the geek in the pink take a stab at it
If you like the way I'm thinkin' baby wink at it
I may be skinny at times but I'm fat fulla rhymes
Pass me the mic and I'm a grab at it well
Isn't it delicious crazy way that I'm kissin'
This baby listen to this don't wanna miss it while it's hittin'
Sometimes you gotta fit in to get in
But don't ever quit cause soon I'm gonna let you in but see

I don't care what you might think about me
You'll get by without me if you want
Well,I could be the one to take you home
Baby we could rock the night alone
If we never get down it wouldn't be a let down
But sugar don't forget'n what you already know
I could be the one to turn you out
We could be the talk across the town
Don't judge it by the color, confuse it for another
You might regret what you let slip away like the geek in the pink

I'm the geek in the pink, yeah i'm the geek in the pink

....

Hey baby look at me go
From zero to hero
You better take it from a geek like me
Well I can save you from unoriginal dumb-dumbs
Who wouldn't care if you com...plete him or not

So what I've got a short attention span
A coke in my hand
Because I'd rather have the afternoon, relaxin' understand
My hip hop and flip-flops well it don't stop with the light rock
My shot to mock you kinda puts me in the tight spot
The hype is nothing more than hoo-ha so I'm
Developing a language and I'm callin' it my own
So take a peek into the speaker and you'll see what I mean
That on the other side the grass is greener

....

Black out + Bus ride = 2 X Inspiration

2006-04-12T17:47:00.000+08:00

Alamak.

I am so unfit.

Today go to the 800 metre track. Run 800 metres. Run 3 min. Then cannot make it already.

Black out. Head spin. Off balance. Out of breath.

Then stop already lor. Don't know how to do 2.4 already.

Resisted the urge to cab home after the run. Which was a very good thing.

Coz I usually get good ideas after I black out, and during bus rides.

This time, both happened, so double the power hor!

You see, I have been feeling that I've been harassing my friends to keep me company, in-so-doing being a rather big nuisance to them.

I'm also aware that I have a lot of time to think. And thinking hor... is sometimes not very good. Think then imagine then get upset over nothing. Laggy best.

So ....

I decided that I must find something to do.

I could study something. Maybe a diploma. Maybe a Masters. I think Lasalle-SIA got an MA in Art History, dunno whether got part-time course or not. Lyraine, what do you think? The problem though with studying is that must pay money. NSFs got what money?

I could also volunteer. I have been putting AfA off for some time, should call them up hor.

I could work. Teach tuition is a good idea. hmmm. Occupy time, earn money oso.

I am very keen on a particular job. But first I must research on whether it's actually available, and then bug the guys to give me the job. I don't mind not being paid, just as long as I get to meet people. woohoo! Attempting to get this job will be my project for this week!! Yeeha!

Troughs and upswings

2006-04-06T06:52:00.000+08:00

Well, as an economist, I guess I should know what the bottom most point of a business cycle is called. I don't though, so I must be either a vocabulary-challenged economist, or more likely, the wrong type of economist. :p

Anyway, I expect it to be called the 'trough'.

Last night was the trough for me. Crying in bed; feeling unwanted, unhugged, uncared for, unnoticed, et cetera, et cetera.

In a sense, the annual trough is a good thing, for it's kinda like purgatory. After the trough, during the upswing, I see beauty and kindness everywhere.

I appreciate the concern that friends show me much more. Thanks Jon, Jonny, Omar and Wilson for helping me through last night. :)

The early morning warm shower becomes so much more of a pleasure. The songs of the birds become so so sweet. Chats with friends make me smile more.

I feel more cheery. :) And am singing along to Oliver.

Who will buy this wonderful feeling?
I'm so high I swear I could fly
Me oh my, I don't want to lose it
There must be someone who will buy.
Who will buy this wonderful morning?
Such a sky you never did see
Who will tie it up with a ribbon,
and put it in a box for me?

....

Who will buy the smell of flowers
waving in the moonlit breeze?
Who will buy the childrens' laughter
happily playing in the streets
Who will buy the heat of sun that's
shining in the deep blue sea?
Who will buy this wonderful feeling?
No one, cuz it's all for free.

Well, well. Positive thinking is the order of the day.

Whooopeeeee!!!

Well. *Hugs & Kisses*

Got to run off to work. :)

5 years.

2006-04-04T21:19:00.000+08:00

I've been zoning out a bit now and then today, and seeing visions of 5 years ago.

At around this time then, I was wheeling Mummy around the garden grounds of Ang Mo Kio Community Hospital.

We went to the gates, and looked out.

I distinctly remember telling her, that she will soon be better, and that she will be going home with me.

The next day, she did go home. Though not quite in the manner I expected.

I remember that I dropped my mobile phone when I heard the news.

I remember the cab journey to the hospital.

I remember crying through the cab journey.

I remember crying at her bed.

I remember thinking how at peace she looked.

I remember not being to wake her up.

If I let myself zone out enough, I feel that I am almost back to the past. A past I sometimes desperately want to claw back.

Once, I felt a little abandoned and lost. Though I did manage to hide my inner feelings well.

Now, I still feel sad.

And as visions of the past appear to me tonight and tomorrow, as they have always done for the past few years, I will probably be down.

Not down enough to be depressed.

More ... 'recessed'. :p

A hand to hold and to pull me through would be nice.

A song.

Some quiet company.

Hugs.

A shoulder to cry on.

I'm capable of surviving this on my own.

But it would still be nice.

Qing Ming

2006-04-03T20:32:00.000+08:00

I don't know the origins of Qing Ming - I am perhaps too ang moh pai to know. I am drafting this without internet access. So cannot google lor.

Qing Ming strikes me as a jolly good idea - a day for Chinese people to visit the tombs and urns of their loved ones who have passed on to the next world. It is a good time to remember these loved ones, and celebrate their lives, and to cherish our memories of them.

Qing Ming's on the 5th of April, which is a Wednesday this year. Therefore, the family decided to go to the cemeteries yesterday, on Sunday, when we're all not working.

Of course, we weren't the only Singaporean Chinese to plan on doing the Qing Ming thing on the Sunday before Qing Ming. We know that, and we kinda expect: traffic jams, people jams, and a PSI index that goes through the roof.

And there were indeed traffic jams, people jams, and a PSI index that goes through the roof. I also got roasted by the sun, and my leg hairs were nearly removed by overly-eager joss-paper bonfires.

Qing Ming at Lim Chu Kang cemetery was quite an experience. It was actually, believe it or not, my first time there. I went along this time because I wanted to visit Mummy.

I kinda forgot that Chinese festivals come with Chinese rituals. Or perhaps, more accurately, I forgot that Chinese festivals tend to be saturated with rituals and 'laws' - the necessary offerings, the number of fruits on each plate, the number of joss-sticks to the deceased and to the Earth Deity, the kinds of joss-paper, the use of confetti-ish paper to make flowers, etc.

So in a way, if one is not careful, Qing Ming might become something akin to Veblen's Machine Process, a mindless repetition of this, that and the other, in a strict order, at each and every tomb visited, to achieve a target aim or a certain output.

And instead of acknowledging the lives of our loved ones, there is a danger of paying more respect to the rituals than to the persons.

Of course, some will argue that the rituals themselves are the right manner to pay respect to the persons. I respect this perspective, but I will rebel if I have to accept it as my own.

I'm not against Chinese traditions and rituals. They have meaning for some, just as rites and rituals (whether these are seen as such) of other races and religions have their own validity, truth and reality.

I'm not against rituals either, for they can be comforting or serve some other purpose.

I indulge in quite a few rituals myself - the tapping of the wind-chimes on the main door before heading off from the house, switching on the music with my toes before stretching and getting out of bed, a deep breath through my comfort blanket before going into slumberland, picking out a matching cap before going to the pubs, grabbing a tight hug before parting with friends, a peek into MSN on a daily basis to see who's there, etc.

I love my rituals, and somehow, these little things make me feel more appreciative of life.

I will probably visit my mum again soon. But, on my own, on a quiet day, at a quiet time, and with my own little rituals.

Knowing and wondering

2006-04-02T15:47:00.000+08:00

From Grey's Anatomy:

"A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today.

This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say. I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear.

Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo? The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we hadn't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day.

Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves.

We have to make our own mistakes.

We have to learn our own lessons.

We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore.

Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant.

That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying."

Straw poll: diffident or confident

2006-04-01T20:53:00.000+08:00

Is Wei of ba ba bo bo bar diffident or confident? Overly diffident or overly confident?

Picha

2006-03-26T22:12:00.000+08:00

Mummy

2006-03-26T21:01:00.000+08:00

Mummy was with me this morning,
Really real.

I had done something grievously wrong
By accident,
And she was here to give me a long long hug.
And a possible resolution came to be in sight,
A blurry spot of light.
A Presidential pardon was required no less,
Utter madness.

Sudden deaths can really be devastating,
But also transformative.
There can still be positives,
Just difficult to see or make.
Though find them we must,
For the positives to come through.

What I really miss are the hugs,
The hugs that will come without question.
And the acceptance,
Also without question.
And the being there,
Again without question.

5th April 2001.
5th April 2006.
Soon to be 5 years
Of being alone in some ways.
Being alone but
Not necessarily lonely.

Friends have been lovely,
Both old and new.
A couple lost along the way,
Pain indeed,
But inevitable,
I guess.

Hugs from friends are lovely.
They help to sustain me.
But the special hug I sometimes crave
That would ground me to safety
Seems nowhere in sight.
And so, I must ground me myself.

Which I do
And I do quite well.
But still would be nice,
To know where to get
Those miracle hugs
That just make everything
Alright.

:(

2006-03-26T20:45:00.000+08:00

SAF colonel dies during biathlon at East Coast Park

By Dominique Loh, Channel NewsAsia

SINGAPORE : A colonel from the Singapore Armed Forces died while participating in the Singapore Biathlon at East Coast Park on Sunday.

Colonel Bernard Tan Cheow Han, 39, collapsed and died after nearly completing the 10-kilometre run.

He was just 600 metres away from the finishing line.

The colonel had earlier finished a 1.5-kilometre swim before the run. SAFRA which is also the organiser of the event says immediate medical attention was given to Colonel Tan at about 10am.

He was sent to Changi General Hospital and was pronounced dead at about 11am.

The cause of death is still being investigated by the police.

More than 1,700 people took part in the biathlon which included the chiefs of army and navy.

Colonel Tan was the Assistant Chief of the General Staff in charge of army personnel matters.

He was married with two young daughters aged two and seven. - CNA

Saturday mornings

2006-03-25T10:41:00.000+08:00

Saturday mornings are prolly the time when I'm the weirdest and the most cerebral.

I wake up early but get up late, brooding about stuff in bed. Reacting and over-reacting to what has been said and done over the week.

This morning, there were quite a few issues.

Maximising versus satisficing in life.
Possibilities of and open-mindedness in religion.
International mobility of friends and myself.
Happiness and/versus access to information

I guess I'm a reasonably happy person. At least, I don't feel unhappy, not now nor on a regular basis.

If Schwartz, B is correct, then it's probably because I'm more of a satisficer than a maximiser.

历险记 - 龚诗嘉

2006-03-25T10:07:00.000+08:00

乘着梦
未知的一幕幕开始了
迷彩的幻影里
穿越奇异的旅途
有险滩和窄路
哪里有我的幸福
谁陪我看外头的世界
蓝的天白的雪醇的夜
陌生的晨雾里
遇上诡谲的颜色
是启示是巧合
不愿意躲在墙角
不愿意随波逐流
游离匆忙的人海
现实的夹缝里
一寸一寸挪移
掩护真实的自己
期待着快乐
任我摆荡起伏
单飞黑夜里
最能找得到勇气
左右曲折
不停的错过
不停的逃离
不停追寻
开始了
乘着梦迎向那未知的
犹豫是空气里
一道蜿蜒的轨迹
到永恒无止境
不想在原地打转
谁愿意陪我冒险

beng is cool, singlish a signal

2006-03-22T19:31:00.000+08:00

I'm cutting and pasting, food for thought... :)

Terence Chong writes in Today ...

Singlish becomes a potent symbol of who we are, how we think, and how we speak. This is especially so for many overseas Singaporeans who are able to instantly recognise fellow citizens with Singlish. It is thus no surprise that many want to celebrate it as an icon of local culture.

....

Singlish is, however, also a means of class differentiation. Although many argue that Singlish should be celebrated as part of national identity, in reality, this argument comes only from the English-proficient middle class.

We revel in its down-to-earth factor and wear it like a badge of honour to show how unashamedly Singaporean we are. Meanwhile, we overlook the many Singaporeans out there who cannot speak anything else but Singlish. In doing so, we erase the harsh realities of these Singlish-speakers such as economic marginalisation in our search for symbols of national identity.

....

Singlish, more than any other language, has created pathways across the borders of class and ethnicity. However, the ease with which we cross borders depends on our class, cultural capital and the specific nature of power distribution in society.

Full article here.

Army stories

2006-03-20T22:11:00.000+08:00

I was going through Army stories on the Internet and various resource books, and the following really cracked me up:

One Christmas, an officer struck on the idea of having a special Christmas lunch to be served at the officers' mess. He made a special order for a large uncooked turkey, and arranged for it to be delivered to the cook sergeant at the cookhouse on Christmas Eve.

On Christmas Eve, when the officers arrived at the mess to have their special Christmas lunch, they found the cook serving what looked rather much like chicken rice. The officer who made the order was very upset and summoned the cook sergeant to the dining hall. This was how the conversation went:

Officer: 'Sergeant Lee!! What the F#$^ is THIS?' (pointing to the chicken rice)

Sergeant Lee: 'Sir, I dunno leh. Today the chicken very big, just nice make chicken rice lor.'

The officer was too stunned to say anything.

The rest of us had a good laugh.

We were probably the only unit in the SAF to savour the ...

.... Special Christmas Turkey Rice. :p

Sapped

2006-03-18T11:22:00.000+08:00

*lets out deep breath*

I'm really really sapped.

Still coughing.

Stressed at work. (But it's good stress :p)

Rather bad backache and sore shoulders.

But I think it's a good week overall.

Coz I think I've made a few more good friends. :)

How would you know?

2006-03-13T22:14:00.000+08:00

While on a Greek holiday, on the beautiful isle of Santorini, I had a drop too much of retsina.

The conversation turned to 'The One'.

How would you know you're met 'The One'? How do you know you're with 'The One'?

Obviously, I can't remember verbatim what I said then.

But here goes ...

I will know ... when, while on the beach during an incredible sunset, we gaze into each others' eyes, and we see not just today, but the whole of our shared pasts and our infinite future together.

Walking out ...

2006-03-12T20:20:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, my energy levels get really really low, especially after I've been ill for a while.

I remember a few occasions like that in London, when I absolutely felt that I had to be alone.

I remember just sitting under my desk in Room 512, Bankside House. For hours and hours. Ignoring phone calls, phone messages, emails, knocks on the door, messages under the door.

I remember wandering along the South Bank alone past midnight. Sitting on the OXO pier, cross-legged. Gazing at the skies. Watching the waves.

Not needing to react to anything. Not needing to attend to anyone's demands, implicit or explicit. Not needing to keep the flow of emotions calm and positive. Not needing to be understanding. Not needing to take care of people. Not needing to reassure people who are attempting to take care of me. Not needing to attend to anything and anyone. Just relaxing.

Just bo-chuping. Just walking out of obligations, if only for just a while. Just recharging.

Doing things alone.

That's why my holidays are usually solo-trips, or group trips with flexibility to explore on my own. I want the time and space to do what I want to do, when and where I see fit. These holidays are times when I want to recharge, not perform.

Watched Transamerica this afternoon on my own. Fantastic film - the cast of Huffman and super-duper cute boy!; theme of tolerance and acceptance; and the conclusion that one draws after the film: that life is about negotiations and chances and deliberations and questioning and growing and smiling at the end of the day; the anguish - I love films that leave me feeling slightly anguished.

The time spent alone today was lovely. But I'm still not properly recharged.

In some certain senses, it's been just me taking care of myself since 5th April 2001 (except for a year with JoNny), and I'm tired out, and too tired to dole out too much attention or to be some human stress ball.

Some might say ... maybe I just need someone to look after me. Maybe. But I doubt that's going to happen any time soon anyway.

So I'm going to take my time. If I don't get back to anyone promptly, I'm sorry, but it's because I might need some time and space to myself for a while. I'm not walking away from you. :)

I shan't say 'I will be back."

Coz I'm still here, out and about.

Just maybe rather diminished.

And a bit more self-indulgent. :p

Letting go

2006-03-11T10:56:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, I do really stupid things because I can't really let go of things.
Take the Promethean hypothesis that there cannot be a horizontal demand curve at the x-axis for example.

Intuitively, I can't see why this hypothesis must necessarily be true. And so, I spent a week trying to derive demand curves using budget lines and all sorts of social welfare functions. I think I've disproved the Promethean conjecture.

Only people with nothing better to do will try to disprove a hypothesis that hinges on pedantic linguistic wording.

Yar, but maybe I really got nothing better to do lor.

But other things I'm getting better. :)

More relaxed in some ways.

Some time ago, I was terrified that I was losing my emotions, or at least the expressiveness of my emotions, or rather maybe what little I show of my emotions sometimes.

I don't really crave any more. I don't expect "We'll meet up again." or "I'll call you." to be realised, though of course, it would be sweet. Consequently, I don't feel the urge to find out what has really happened, go into introspective spins, and worry about pestering people. I'm more relaxed, I let go and I am happier as a result.

Marital arts

2006-03-08T21:06:00.000+08:00

Today, I was looking at old articles from the Straits Times.

On the 19th of December 1988, there was this article "Young adults panel wants 5-day week".

The article read: 'The Committee on Young Adults wants ... young men in national service to be trained in the marital arts as well as the martial arts.'

The article also quotes the Committee as saying: 'Since all young males go into national service in the critical years before courting and marriage, the Armed Forces should consider offering programmes on relationships, interpersonal skills and responsible social behaviour to help them for courting and marriage.'

Classic.

Those who can, teach.

2006-03-06T20:15:00.000+08:00

Some people say, those who cannot, teach.

Some people say, those who can, teach.

And then, apparently for some people, it may be that no matter whether they can or cannot, they may be told, explicitly, between the lines or maybe through inaction, that they should not. Sometimes it's because of who they are. Sometimes, it's also because of how parents can be.

In a sense, the classroom is like a stage, a stage where hopefully both the teacher and the students are equal participants. A good teacher tells the story of his subject well, and draws the attention of his students. A brilliant teacher may be expected to have some kind of stage presence. With this stage presence, she may captivate her students in the weaving of her lessons; she makes her students eager to engage with her; she makes class exciting and worth looking forward to; she makes the story of economics, eng lit, physics, chemistry .. come alive; she inspires her students to want more, more from her and more from themselves. A teacher with stage presence is probably going to be a teacher who can.

I certainly have met teachers who probably cannot. As one of them claims, he's only supposed to be a facilitator really. Well, of course teachers are meant to facilitate learning as opposed to obstructing it. But hopefully, such facilitation does not stop at mild suggestions to read 'the textbook', to read out powerpoint slides verbatim (in the direction of nowhere in particular) and to perfunctorily make red crosses and ticks on worksheets.

Well, I don't know how far I can and cannot. Unlike others, I do not think I have the stage presence. Neither am I willing, or lacking in pride, to be merely a perfunctory bum-warmer on the teacher's chair, and hide behind the clinical authority of the red pen.

I do know though that I want to give it a shot. :)

Happy day

2006-03-05T21:09:00.000+08:00

Happy couples make me smile, and they make me happy. :)

Can't pin down why exactly.

But this kind of thing, dun need to think so much lar. :p

Mandisa rocks

2006-03-01T21:29:00.000+08:00

In the last season of Brit Idol I watched (in 2004), I rooted for Michelle McManus, and actually sent in one text to support her.

I think in this season's American Idol, I'm going to cast my (virtual) vote for Mandisa.

She ... totally ... rocks ...

Extra and Co.

2006-02-28T20:20:00.000+08:00

Today, during lunch, my department was talking about extra-curricular / co-curricular activities, i.e. the kinda stuff we used to do after school while we were still school boys.

I guess I have done all sorts.

In primary school, I was a librarian and the track and field captain.

In secondary school, I was in Math. Club, the Philatelic Club, the House Committee, Track and Field, various science research programmes, etc. I was also a Peer Support Leader and a history subject rep. :p

In junior college, I was in the recreational badminton club, the science magazine board, the social services club and science research programme.

In uni, I was a learning assistant in schools for three years, and then in the local HIV charity for one.

Jack of all trades huh? Though never anything vaguely musical or uniformed.

Now, I'm a full time NSboy, and not doing anything else. I think the latter needs to, should and could be remedied.

Any suggestions?

Le Weekend

2006-02-26T20:59:00.000+08:00

So what do I do on a weekend?

Well, every one of them is different and the same I guess.

Different, in that the activities themselves may not be the same.

Same, in that I try to make sure that every weekend is a mix of meeting up with friends, spending time with family, going through the internet, resting and sleeping, running errands, think about things, etc.

This weekend:

I went to Tantric and finished a Gin and Tonic too quickly for my own good, and consequently nearly strode into a speeding car on my way from Tantric to Mox.

I had pork chops at 2 am in the morning with the father, despite not being hungry.

I browsed through the Economics Ten Year Series at Big Bookshop, and have no idea how I got my grade for the S paper, let alone finish the paper in 2 hours 15 minutes.

I watched Mrs Henderson Presents with lyraine.

I got my hair cut yet again.

I went out with NYPS schoolmates for lunch and a stroll along Orchard Road.

I was bo liao and started googling for my uni tutors. And found out that my EC325 tutor is now an Asst. Prof. in Belgium.

And then, upon reading this thingey that my former lecturer's involved in, this being the following research programme, I so crave the access to academic journals that I used to enjoy :

It is often assumed that a fact is a fact is a fact, yet those who work across disciplinary boundaries are well aware that the life of a fact is not so simple. Even everyday experience suggests that, like gossip, facts that travel rarely remain stable. Our research programme proposes to explore the nature of evidence by adopting a consistent research design to analyse how well evidence travels between and within disciplines and to examine why evidence considered acceptable in one context retains or loses its status as evidence in another. We aim to establish a body of case work on this question of how well facts travel and to develop, for more general use, the conceptual frameworks appropriate to answering this question.

I also chatted with friends online.

I think I wanna go through the A Level syllabus again. I had better refresh my memory on the MPCs and VCs and what-not, before 02/10/2007.

Mrs Henderson Presents

2006-02-25T10:32:00.000+08:00

So farny!

I think it will definitely be in my top 5 movies list of 2006.

Dame Dench certainly deserves a Best Actress thing.

She's ... goddess-y!

I think I want the soundtrack.

8 / 10 stars.

Go see "Asian Boys vol. 2" III

2006-02-25T09:57:00.000+08:00

And finally, here's the blurb for Asian Boys vol. 2:

Asian Boys Vol. 2

Gain a rare insight into the joys and pains of homosexuals living in Singapore.

Asian Boys is a collection of eight short plays depicting the different aspects of Singaporean gay life. In SPL's boldest and most controversial production yet, this collage of plays exposes the raw emotions of the gays living in a traditional society, the daily struggles they face, and the ultimate sacrifices they have to make for love.

A summary of the eight plays:

Katong Fugue. A poetic play examining the love and struggle between a confused mother trying to reach out and a stoic gay son desperate to keep his mother out of the trials and tribulations of his life.

Supper at Maxwell. A tongue-in-cheek piece about two gay friends, Danny and Gordon. Here, Danny confides in Gordon about his most recent crush, a mute gay, not realising Gordon is secretly in love with him too.

Raffles City Rendezvous. Mike is 10-years older than his boyfriend, Kiat. Recently, they made a mistake of having a threesome. Things turn sour when the existence of a third party reveals the difficulties and anxieties of their relationship. Eventually, they find resolution in the love they have for each other.

California Dreaming. Three friends agree to go for a big gay bash. One backs out in the end, sensing the inanity of the entire matter while the other two hedonistically talk about their choice of outfit and which cute guy they'll be meeting. A clever discussion ensues on the subject of what it really means to be gay.

The Kings of Ann Siang Hill. A play re-examining the perception of the purity of youth and the perversion of paedophilia. Here, the story of the supposed cheeko-peh (dirty old man) seeking sex from a cute young guy is recounted in a way quite unexpected to us.

Downstream, Delta. Felix and Jack almost had a sexual encounter but it never happened. Jack has his hang-ups about being openly homosexual. Choosing to be in a state of denial, he becomes the round peg forcing his way into the square hole of society. Jack is getting married but Felix is still in love with him. Jack offers Felix one kiss - their first and probably last. Does Felix take it?

My Own Private Toa Payoh. Aloysius and Meng are social escorts. But they are lovers too. What does love mean and what are its definitive manifestations when sex is no longer kept purely between two lovers? Can it still be sacred? This play uses a gay landscape to explore the essential yet unpredictable nature of love.

The Widow of Fort Road. The only play set in a dream landscape. In the most poignant play of the series, we are confronted with the conflict between homosexuality and society. Is death (of both identity and physical self) the only plausible outcome of this struggle?

Well, I guess it's quite clear (and unfortunate :() that I will not be able to catch this production, given that I am here in Singapore and am kinda tied up here for quite some time.

So, my dear pals in London, please go see it and tell me all about it! :)

P.S. Ticket booking details and more information (about more plays).

Go see "Asian Boys vol. 2" II

2006-02-21T19:46:00.000+08:00

Excerpt from Asian Boys....

Supper at Maxwell

DANNY, 21 years old, university student
GORDON, 21 years old, university student

(A table at Maxwell Food Centre. DANNY is sitting alone. GORDON, just returning from the toilet, walks up to him)

DANNY: OK. Don’t look. Guy in blue.

GORDON: Where?

DANNY: Behind me.

GORDON: You actually have eyes at the back of your head.

DANNY: Don’t look!

GORDON: What’s the point of you describing him if I don’t look?

DANNY: OK, look, but don’t look.

GORDON: How?

DANNY: Demonstration.

(DANNY pretends to stretch his back, and swivels around to catch a nonchalant glimpse at the guy behind him)

GORDON: What was that?

DANNY: Being subtle.

GORDON: That was subtle? You were swapping your right kidney with your left one.

DANNY: So how? Cute right? Wouldn’t you do him?

GORDON: He was in the pub just now.

DANNY: So you weren’t just staring at the TV screen.

GORDON: Don’t you get tired of looking at people?

DANNY: Not if they look like Mr Blue over there.

GORDON: I get tired. It’s not like a straight bar, where you have a mix of men and women. I turn everywhere and there’s someone. A podium dancer sweeping a pointing finger above the heads of the crowd. Two guys making out beside a sign saying No Kissing No Hugging. I see bare shouders and shaved armpits and high cheekbones and contact lenses glowing green under UV lights. Don’t you get tired?