Revenge of the Sarong Party Girl

The following are excerpts from Chapter 2, The Ang Moh Species: Myth and Reality of Aitchison and Chan's book, Revenge of the Sarong Party Girl, probably written in reaction to the SPG phenomenon.

Australian men are the most resourceful men in the world. This explains why they invented the word 'wanker', and have extremely smooth palms on their right hands. It also explains why they buy more soap than any other men in Singapore.

Many Englishmen believe they can attract Singaporean women simply by lifting their little fingers. What they don't realise is that when they lift their little fingers, many Singaporean women think they are having an erection. The British are also famous for having stiff upper lips. However, Singaporean girls wish that other parts of their bodies were equally as stiff.

Every Welshman thinks he is Tom Jones and is quite likely to break out singing immediately when he has reached a climax. He breaks out singing on many other occasions, too, such as when he washes his dog. (His dog, of course, will not be as hairy as him.)

Scotsmen, on the other hand, are more secretive and conceal their genitalia beneath a tartan skirt. Singaporean girls are often confused as to which clan a Scotsman actually belongs to. All she has to do is to lift up his kilt; if he has a quarter-pounder lurking beneath it, he is obviously a MacDonald.

A lot of people make very unfair jokes about the Irish. Actually, the Irish are very polite. For example, crowds of Irishmen can often be seen outside the brothels in Geylang. They are merely waiting for the red lights to turn green so that they can go in.

Americans are a very polite people. American men, for example, never accept dates with local girls without first asking 'How much?'

Frenchmen are supposed to be the world's best lovers. Well-dressed, passionate Frenchmen claim that they can give a girl the most memorable night of her life. In reality, the night will be memorable for his rudeness and insatiable desire to talk about himself. After a night with a Frenchman, a Singaporean girl fully understands why Mona Lisa has such a strange, bored smile.

There is no truth in the rumour that Dutchmen prefer lesbians, despite the fact that Holland contains many dykes. Dutchmen are so oversexed that some of their cheeses are full of holes.

The Polish are a very literal people. Polish expatriates are convinced that the Community Chest has something to do with the bust size of the average Singaporean woman. Some Poles even think that the Community Chest is a special nationwide breast-feeding facility.

According to rumour, Italians prefer to douse their girlfriends in garlic and olive oil, roll them in foour and make love to them on a bed of pizza. This comes as a pleasant change after the Australians, who prefer to squirt beer over their girlfriends and roll them in a bed of old laundry.