人散庙门灯火尽,却寻残梦独多时

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Walking out ...

Sometimes, my energy levels get really really low, especially after I've been ill for a while.

I remember a few occasions like that in London, when I absolutely felt that I had to be alone.

I remember just sitting under my desk in Room 512, Bankside House. For hours and hours. Ignoring phone calls, phone messages, emails, knocks on the door, messages under the door.

I remember wandering along the South Bank alone past midnight. Sitting on the OXO pier, cross-legged. Gazing at the skies. Watching the waves.

Not needing to react to anything. Not needing to attend to anyone's demands, implicit or explicit. Not needing to keep the flow of emotions calm and positive. Not needing to be understanding. Not needing to take care of people. Not needing to reassure people who are attempting to take care of me. Not needing to attend to anything and anyone. Just relaxing.

Just bo-chuping. Just walking out of obligations, if only for just a while. Just recharging.

Doing things alone.

That's why my holidays are usually solo-trips, or group trips with flexibility to explore on my own. I want the time and space to do what I want to do, when and where I see fit. These holidays are times when I want to recharge, not perform.

Watched Transamerica this afternoon on my own. Fantastic film - the cast of Huffman and super-duper cute boy!; theme of tolerance and acceptance; and the conclusion that one draws after the film: that life is about negotiations and chances and deliberations and questioning and growing and smiling at the end of the day; the anguish - I love films that leave me feeling slightly anguished.

The time spent alone today was lovely. But I'm still not properly recharged.

In some certain senses, it's been just me taking care of myself since 5th April 2001 (except for a year with JoNny), and I'm tired out, and too tired to dole out too much attention or to be some human stress ball.

Some might say ... maybe I just need someone to look after me. Maybe. But I doubt that's going to happen any time soon anyway.

So I'm going to take my time. If I don't get back to anyone promptly, I'm sorry, but it's because I might need some time and space to myself for a while. I'm not walking away from you. :)

I shan't say 'I will be back."

Coz I'm still here, out and about.

Just maybe rather diminished.

And a bit more self-indulgent. :p

1 Comments:

Blogger christine said...

you're autistic.. arent' you.

p.s my word verification is.. mtfookia
that sounds almost.. rude

2:40 pm

 

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