Boring bore

Ok. It's yet more navel-gazing again. So look somewhere else if you prefer. :)

The beginnings of this entry prolly came from a night out at Tantric last week. When feedbacking about my experience there, I said that I felt boring there. More properly and accurately, I should say that I felt that according to the implicit rules of the game, in terms of dressing, conversation topic, booze-drinking, I would prolly be classified as 'boring', 'dull' and 'flat' by many punters of the bar.

Not that I mind. That was a feeling coming out more from a clinical and intuitive, albeit maybe perfunctory, observation, than one stemming from a lack of confidence. I'm not exactly very diffident. :p Not that most people can tell maybe?

Call it masochism, but I decided to do a kinda straw poll of 'Am I boring?'. Certainly, this is in the same class of questions as chelsea5manu0's 'Am I fat?', in that the question itself suggests a particular answer, tends to indicate particular insecurities in the asker and more usually than not receives a politically correct, face-saving and, ermz, 'well-considered' answer.

And so, I tend to like frank answers. And appreciate harsh and even mean comments. Every perspective is a valid one, and I hope to accept each of them, even if all of these perspectives together present conflicting truths.

I like to think that I'm interesting in some ways and that I have done interesting things. Let's see. I've promoted soy sauce in a Chinese supermarket to middle-aged ang moh housewives in suburban London. I've stewarded the black lesbians in a Pride parade. I've packed condoms for pubs for hours at a rate of 150-ish per hour. I've run out of a pub on NYE because I had suddenly realised that the floor was sticky with rather too much of a certain body fluid. I've been stalked and done my fair share of stalking. I've been buried in sand. I've done research projects and presented papers in medical sciences, botany, biochemistry, education and economics. I've voted for a chip shop lady to be my local MP.

I certainly have interesting friends too, and they are definitely more than just the descriptive tags that I am identifying them with. Cheesecake-baking tausarpiah. Postmodern urbspedestre. Not-so-silent muse lyraine. Etc etc. I could spend all my life trying to learn every interesting bit from all my friends - the London bus driver, the Singaporean City banker, the Skywalker, the Crawley artist, the American ex-classmate, the Cambridge mathematician, etc.

Yes, it's very tempting to spend lots of time keeping in contact. It's tempting to try to psychoanalyse others as well. The former temptation, I feel, is a good thing, as I hate the idea of drifting friendships. The latter, I feel I should refrain from, for psychoanalysing means a certain amount of judging, a cognitive action that I'm disinclined to indulge in, and is prolly a slippery slope to living life vicariously through their lives (which means I would then be TOTALLY boring!).

Psychoanalysing myself, with the use of feedback from others, is much safer, just as long as I don't psychoanalyse myself to paralysis.

I haven't been able to get hold of William, so there isn't a jibe on Singaporean dronehood on the feedback forms yet. :p

Nonetheless, the feedback has been good, in the sense that it's a good kacang puteh mix of neutrals, positives and negatives.

Let's see.

There's the 'I am not a boring person, I don't hang out with / date / become a boyfriend to boring people' reply.

There's the 'mature, sensible and lovely to talk to', 'lateral thinker', 'fantasy man' set of answers, which don't really answer the question but are kinda ego-boosting. *blush* :p

There's the more relevant 'interesting to talk to' and 'you're too complex to be boring' replies. Thanks. :) Relevance is good. :p

Then, there's also the 'draw your own conclusion' type of answer, which basically involves quoting a list of stuff I don't do, e.g. drink, party, wear contacts, etc., plus a reminder of my lack of confidence and inhibitions, and then, erm, asking me to draw my own conclusion (duh!) from this list. woohoo. Nice. The implied conclusion, I guess, that this guy wants me to reach is that ... 'Hey, yea, I'm a boring bore.'

The nicest thing about drawing my own conclusion is that there are lotsa stuff that I could draw, and that I can weigh the 'evidence' for myself, decide accordingly and consider stuff.

The first thing that struck me is that I wouldn't ever consider anyone who doesn't drink, party or wear contacts, who seems diffident and has defined OB markers as boring. On the contrary, some people who fit all these characteristics intrigue me tremendously. Especially the diffidence bit. Somehow, I'm a bit of a sucker for depressives. Of course, these characteristics are not on my Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now prerequisite list. I've been interested in drinkers, smokers, contact wearers, party go-ers etc. Though not yet in someone with an oversized ego.

The second set of stuff I felt I should consider is my own self-confidence. Am I really as diffident as I sometimes say I am? Why do I say I'm diffident? How confident am I? How lacking am I on the confidence department? Do I have an ego? Or do I somehow lack one?

Well. I think I'm certainly confident and comfortable enough with myself to examine myself in a public space. I accept and am comfortable with the discomforts that such self navel-gazing necessarily brings up. I sure have an ego too, to expect that people will read this verbal diarrhoea and to hope that people will give me comments based on this drivel that I have written. And I'm going to shamelessly going to email this post to some friends. :p

I'm certainly diffident in particular aspects. Going to bars on my own, not knowing anyone there, would in most cases severely test my confidence. Though I have survived such experiences, I don't find them particularly enjoyable. Neither do I find them to be really necessary stages in the quest for manhood. :p I might admire those who thrive on testing their boundaries, provided this testing of boundaries is not just another refuge from life in a broader sense.

By life in a broader sense, I do not mean the realm of perceived normality. lyraine asked me whether I want to be treated like a normal person, which is kinda like Sarah Jessica Parker asking whether one should desire normal kids instead of gay ones. I've thought about this question. A gut instinct would be to say / think: I am not abnormal and do not want to be treated as such. I think I prefer though to challenge the concept of normality. I want to reconsider the bell curve. People are not and should not be in dichotomies of 'straight' and 'not straight', 'fat' and 'not fat', 'boring and not boring', etc. Anyway, I'm kinda digressing and lost the point of this paragraph. But heck. I need to think more about what I DO mean by the realm of perceived normality.

I'm also definitely inhibited in that I have no-go areas. But I like it that I have considered these, and have decided that I want to keep them in place, at least for now. These areas are personal spaces, but they are not no-gos for everyone. I just need to be convinced that these spaces will not be thrashed callously.

I've only ever let one person free-ish access into these personal spaces, and it's been a worthwhile experience. For better or worse, he has seen and been supportive of my various facets. I'm not just cerebral, as this blog might lead a reader to conclude. I'm silly too. I am camp and masculine. I am harsh and softhearted. I am diffident and confident. I am young and old. I am naive and mature. I am simple and complex. I am happy and hysterical and calm and melancholic.

Now, I know I can't and really shouldn't be with anyone who consciously or subconsciously slaps down my various facets. I don't want to compromise. I cannot be shelved into one category or the other. Neither the boring nor the interesting, neither the silly nor the cerebral should suffocate in denial. I don't want another identity crisis.

I have an ego, and one that stems from a reasonable pride in myself. I know my abilities. I know what I can do. I know who I am. Not 100 percent lar, but roughly and just enough. I hope to keep this ego within some semblance of control. One way is through self-deprecatory humour. If I say and confess that I'm boring in some ways, then I can hardly be hurt by charges of 'BORING!!!'. If I know that it's inevitable that I would in some ways follow the crowd, then 'Singaporean drone' would always be an in-joke between friends instead of being an offensive insult it was never meant to be. My ego is restrained and defended simultaneously.

Ok. Enough navel gazing for now. :)

I look forward to comments.